Title
Chapter
No beginning and no end, just a middle
When most everyone had left
the picnic, I sat in a dark corner of the yard. I wasn't very happy with the way the day
had gone, and I wasn't very happy with myself. I had thought I was losing my mind for a
while, but that night I was certain that it was already gone. Dave called me an outcast and he had
that right, but it really pissed me that he thought it somehow gave me a
connection with Anton Wolfe.
I was never an especially
moody person, but I'd gone off the deep end that day and consciously tried to
hurt people that cared about me.
The worst part was the fact that thinking about it made me even angrier
at them, especially Joe and Dave. I felt that the both of them were meddling
where they had no damn business.
Joe was fussing over Anton Wolfe, then he had him acting like he was buddies
with everybody. I was pissed at Jed
too, because I saw him joking around with Anton, then after Joe left Dave was sitting at a table
with him.
I gave Anton Jack's bike, but
only because I thought Joe was mad at me.
Then Joe went to visit the little creep and brought him back to the
picnic just when I was starting to settle into things. And he had a present for me ... a fucking birdhouse! Oh, man. That thing was going to be toothpicks in the
morning. I would have smashed it
right in front of Anton, but my mother saw it and made me take it home after
gushing about how beautiful
it was.
She was on my shit list,
too. All of them were.
Pat Anderson asked me to go
fishing in their canoe the next day.
He was supposed to call me, but I'd only go if Jed wasn't going to be
there. My father had talked about
fishing too, but he was all smashed on beer when he left, so I knew he wouldn't
be getting up too early.
I put my head in my
hands. I felt like crying, but I
didn't. I couldn't make the anger
go away, though. Thinking about
other things didn't help, because no matter what I thought about it always led
back to Anton's ugly puss. I knew I
should go home to bed, but I couldn't make myself move. I was disturbed by a sudden gasp.
“Aah! Jesus! Who's there?” It was Bob Surdiak's voice and I looked
toward where it had come from. “Mike? What're you doin' here? The party's over.”
“I'm just sittin'. I'll go.”
“No, no. Sit if you
want. You just scared the bejeezus
out of me. I thought everyone was
gone.”
“Sorry. I had a rotten
day, and I can't get it out of my head.”
Bob knelt down in front of
me. He looked dog-tired. “You had a bad time here? I thought things went real well.”
I felt bad for putting it that
way. “The picnic was fine,
just like always. It's just that
some of the people here are startin' to get on my nerves.”
“Oh? That doesn't sound like the Mike Waters
I know. I thought you liked everybody.”
“Who the hell could like
Anton Wolfe? He's a rotten little
creep and I hate him. Everybody's pissin'
me off by treatin' him like he deserves to live or somethin'.”
He stared at me. “And everybody is ...?”
“Fuckin' Joe ... and Jed
and Dave, and my mother.” I
slammed the ground with the side of my fist. “This sucks!”
Bob's stare turned into a glare. “Mike, I don't particularly like
hearing that tone of voice used about my friends. If you choose not to like somebody,
that's your business.” He
looked angry, and I hadn't ever seen that.
“It's my business when you start calling them names in my yard. You get on home now, boy. Best you stay there 'til you can keep a
civil tongue in your mouth.”
He stood up and turned toward
the house. I watched him go,
thinking I should say something to apologize. I was too stunned. I'd just been kicked out of the Surdiak's property. I'd be willing to gamble that it was the
first and only time it'd happened to anybody,
and that anybody was me. I was
fuming, wondering what the hell everybody suddenly had against me.
I got to my feet and trudged
toward the street, thinking every evil and malevolent thought I could come up
with. Joe's dune buggy was still
parked out there and I kicked the back fender with the bottom of my foot, then
started really stomping on it. I
was hurting my foot more than the car, so I finally stopped, then worked up a
big lunger and spat it on the windshield.
Satisfied, I walked home. I decided to get my fishing kit out of
the garage. When I had everything
in hand, I started walking toward the
The next thing I knew I was
being shaken awake pretty rudely. I
opened my eyes to see a red-faced Mr. Anderson. “What on earth are you doing here,
Mike? Half the neighborhood's out
looking for you.”
I squinted and rubbed my
eyes. “I thought we were
goin' fishin' in your canoe.”
He looked exasperated. “Did you ever think to mention it
to your folks? They're nigh on
frantic. Get yourself inside and
call them, then we'll decide if you're going fishing.”
“Yessir.” I got out of the chair and walked
through the door that led into the kitchen.
Mrs. Anderson was on the phone
looking worried. When she saw me
she said, “Never mind. Here he is.” She gave me an annoyed look and held the
receiver out to me. “Your father.”
“Dad?”
“Michael, where the hell
have you been? Everybody's out
combing the woods for you. You got poor Bob Surdiak in a panic. You get your butt home now, mister.”
“Dad ... I'm sorry. It was late, so I just came here. We're s'posed to go fishin' in the
canoe. Can't I go?”
“No, you can't go! You stay
right where you are! I'll come get you.” He mumbled something else that I didn't
understand, then hung up. I looked
at the phone in my hand for a second, then hung it up and turned around. The whole
I managed to fixate on Pat's
giant eye, then I hung my head.
“Y'all go. My Dad's
comin' for me.” I felt like crying,
but I looked back up at nobody in particular. “Catch some big ones, okay?”
Jed spoke up. “I'll talk
to him, Mike. You look like some
fishing would do you good.”
His father said, “Jed,
don't go interfering. Mike can come
another time.”
Jed looked at his father. “Dad?” He pointed at the door to the front hall
and they both turned around and walked through it. Pat looked unhappy and I shrugged my
shoulders, not having anything to say in my own defense. We stood there in silence until my
father banged on the door, then walked in.
He glared at me, then smiled
at Mrs. A. “Morning,
Twyla.” He smiled at Pat.
“Hi, Patty! You're looking
good!” He looked at me and
glowered. “Let's go,
Michael. You have some serious
explaining to do.”
Just then Mr. Anderson
appeared in the door. “Joe,
you got a minute before you go?”
My father looked at me as if
to glue me to the spot, then at Mr. A. “Sure. What's up?”
Pat's father made a little
shooing gesture to me and Pat with his hand. “You boys go outside and get some
fresh air. We'll just be a
minute.”
Pat and I looked at each other,
then went and sat on the back step.
“Geez, Mike! What'd
you do? I called to see if you were
comin', and they just about had the National Guard lookin' for you.”
“I don't know, Pat. I feel pretty shitty about
yesterday. I'm really losin'
it.”
“Whattya mean?”
“I just feel like I'm
pissed at everybody. I don't want
to be, but I can't stop it. I never do anything anymore; now I want to and I can't. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna
do.”
Pat looked at me sadly, then
put his hand on my forearm. His
voice was soft. “I know. I get mad all the time ... about Kevin,
about the way I look, about how I feel. I just wanna jump in the water, swim
and yell and have fun. It's just
not there anymore, Mike. This is
the first time I'm goin' fishin' since ... it happened. I don't even wanna go if you're not
there. It used to be me and Pop and
Kevin.” He was getting tears
in his eyes. “Shee-it, I don't wanna go if nobody's in the middle.”
I was feeling bad for
Pat. I'd even managed to screw up
his day, and he was starting to seem like a friend. I just wished my father would come out
and bring me home, but he seemed to be taking a long time. I finally heard voices approaching, then
the screen door opened behind us.
It was my father, Jed and his father. My father reached down and touched my
head. “Come on, Mike.”
I stood up and started walking
toward his car. I was reaching for
the handle when he said, “Don't get in, son.” I looked up and he had a minimal smile
on his face. “You go
fishing with Patty. We'll talk when
you get back, okay?” He
raised his eyebrows in a question.
“I can still go?”
He nodded. “Mike, I don't know what's with
you lately.” He sighed. “I know you're hurting about Jack,
but you have no business calling other people names. I don't know where you learned it, but
you better unlearn it fast. Those
people are our friends.” We stared at each other for a
moment. “I got nothing else
to say. Just go catch something
good for dinner.”
I tried to smile myself. “Okay, Dad. You want trout or
bass?”
He beckoned me to him with his
finger. I walked over and got pulled into a bear hug. “I love you Mike. I don't want to see you turning bitter
like this. It was an accident! You got no right to blame me or your
mother or Joe or Dave or anybody else!” He squeezed me even harder. “You have to move on, Mikey. Jack's not coming back.” He pushed me away a little and looked in
my eyes. “You know that,
don't you? You understand
that?”
I didn't, but I nodded an
assent just the same.
He hugged me again, then
patted the back of my shoulder.
“Go catch some fish.
Watch out for Pat's head, okay?”
He had a tearful smile on his
face. I don't know if I managed a
smile, but I know I had tears welling up in my eyes. “Okay, Dad. I'll get us some fish.”
We looked at each other for
another second, amd I turned to go. I heard the car door close as I walked
around back. Pat's face lit up and
even though it seemed impossible, his giant eye got bigger with excitement. “You can go? Mike's comin' with us, Daddy!”
Mr. A. smiled. “I thought he might be. Let's get moving, before all them fish
fall back asleep.”
The boat was already on top of
the Suburban. I picked up my gear
and tossed it in back, then climbed into the back seat while Pat and his father
got in front. I was excited.
“Where we goin'?”
“Little Wheezy.”
I loved that river. I always wanted to go in a boat. “Neat! Where you settin'
in?”
“We'll put in at the
campground just above the falls. I
like to paddle up 'til we get to the rocks, then just drift down. It's real pretty, and the fish change at
every bend. I've caught about everything you can name in that river.”
“I can't
wait!” I tapped Pat on the
shoulder. “This is gonna be so fun!”
He looked over the seat back
and grinned. “I'm glad you
could come. Your father looked
pissed.” He looked at his father.
“Oops! Sorry, Dad.”
His father just grinned. It took about a half hour to get to the
launching area, then just a few
minutes to get on the river. Pat
sat in the middle while his father and I paddled upstream. It's not a fast river, so we made good
time. When we got to the rocks,
maybe two miles upstream, we put the paddles in the bottom of the boat and
baited up, then dropped our lines in.
I loved the way Mr. Anderson dealt with the river, letting the current
take us where it would. If we got
hung up on a branch or the shore we'd just stay there until the canoe and the
water got us free. The sun was well
blocked by the overhanging trees, but the patterns of light and shadow made the
water and foliage beautiful to look at.
I got a fish almost
immediately. It was big, but just
an ugly pink sucker. I threw it
back, and we continued our lazy meander downstream. We got to an area where the water spread
into a grassy swamp and Pat caught a pretty nice speckled trout. Just when he was pulling it in I got a
bite, then his father had one. Ours
were both good sized speckleds, so we baited up again
and Pat and I each caught two more good ones. We were laughing and kidding his father
about our luck and his lack of it.
He just smiled as the canoe bounced off the shore and followed the
direction of the water.
We had a short while where we
didn't catch anything. We were all caught up in the lazy haze that was
fishing. It was peaceful and good,
and no words could have made it better.
The riverbank went by slowly, our motion stopping altogether a few times
when the boat got hung up on something, but it always freed itself. It was mostly shaded along the river,
but when we got into a sunny spot we started reeling in little perch on almost
every cast. We were laughing and
filling the cooler with fish, dozens of them, as there is no limit on
perch. Once we drifted out of that
area Pat caught one little sunfish that he threw back, and we were back at the launch
area shortly after that.
None of us said much as we got
the stuff back into the truck. I
felt good. I'd gotten used to the way Pat looked. He was the same nice kid,
despite the goofy glasses. His
father was the same nice guy he'd always been. The only thing said was my
“Whoo-eee!” when we looked in the fish cooler and saw how many we
had.
I fell asleep on the way
back. I woke up to Pat shoving my
shoulder. “Mike, Mikey, wake up!
We're here!”
I yawned and stretched, then
undid the seatbelt. I smiled.
“Thanks, Patty. That was a nice day.” I looked around. “We're home already? I must'a fell asleep.”
“Me too. C'mon, we'll divvy up the fish!”
We didn't argue over the
perch. We'd caught dozens, and they
went one in his pail, then one in mine until they were gone. There was some discussion about whose
trout was whose, but I didn't press it.
I had plenty of perch for a family fish-fry. The trout could go in the freezer.
Everything was fine. I felt better.
I heard a voice say,
“It's Mike! Lookit,
Mike!” then I saw Anton Wolfe trying to ride Jack's bike, a stupid grin
on his face. It looked like Jed was
teaching him how. Jed was right
behind him yelling, “BRAKES!” but Anton bumped right into me.
Where the tire rode against my
leg only hurt a little, but I got furious. “You idiot!” I swung and smashed him right in the
face. He went down with the
bike. The last thing I remember
seeing was a look of pain and fear on his face as he lay tangled in his bike, his
nose starting to bleed and tears forming in his eyes.
I had never intentionally hurt
anyone in my life. I looked at
Anton for a second, then ran to the road and turned toward home, running as
fast as I could. I was afraid, not
that I thought I'd hurt Anton badly, but afraid that my anger had such a hold
on me that I hurt him at all. I
think I was crying myself, and I was running like a nut. I soon ran out of breath and slowed to a
stumbling walk. I heard a car
coming, and it stopped beside me. It
was Jed, and he looked furious.
“Get in the car,
Mike.”
I ignored him and kept
walking. He pulled up a bit ahead
of me and stuck his face out the window.
“Get in the car, Mike. I mean it!”
“Fuck off, Jed!”
“What?” He pulled the parking brake and jumped
out. He was holding my shirt in his
fist after three fast steps, his face red with anger. “What did you say?”
I tried to push his hand away,
but he had a firm grip that he used to pull me up on my toes. “Nuthin’, Jed. Just leave me
alone.”
He relaxed his pull enough to
let me settle back onto my feet, but he was still twisting my shirt in his
hand. “What the hell's the
matter with you? Why'd you hit Anton like that? He didn't mean to bump you! He was just all excited that you could
see him ride, and you gotta go socking him. I want
you to come and apologize to that boy.”
I squirmed under Jed’s
grip, but he held tight. “I
ain't apologizin' to that jerk. He had it comin' anyhow.”
“I'm warning you,
Mike. You get in that car right
now, or I'll make you wish
you had!”
I stared at him, my own anger
rising again. “Go ahead, Jed
Anderson! Let's see what you
got!”
Jed was so mad that I could
see veins in his forehead. He
pulled me up on my toes again, bringing my face to within inches of his
own. He glared at me for a moment,
and then shoved me so hard that I fell on my ass. I sat there looking up at him. He pointed a finger at me. “You win, Mike. Go the hell home, but you just stay on
your own end of the road from now on.
If you ever
bother my family again I'll kick your ass clear to the North Pole! You got that?”
I just stared at him. He looked down at me for a few seconds,
but I didn't say anything. He
finally said, “You turned out to be a real dumb fuck, you know that?” Then he turned and walked across the
street to his car, squealing the tires as he turned around in the road to go
back home.
I yelled after him, “Screw
you, Jed! I don't need you!”
I sat there with my knees up and my arms holding onto them. My anger faded into a sorrow that I'd
never felt before. Jed was right
about one thing; I was really getting stupid. I was feeling sorry for myself in a big
way. I had the idea that all of my friends were ditching me for Anton Wolfe,
and I couldn't shake it. I knew it
wasn't true; I knew
it, but I was screwing up all over the place because of it. My brain just wouldn't leave the thought
alone.
Now I'd been dumped by two of
the friendliest families in town.
Those were bitter pills, and I felt terrible because not only wasn't I
welcome there anymore, I wasn't even allowed
to visit. I didn't know what to
do. I was still sitting where Jed
had left me, crying a little, but mostly feeling miserable and worthless.
I wasn't alone very long. Without even looking up I could tell it
was Jed's car that stopped across the road. I heard the door close, then Jed sat
beside me. I still didn't look at
him.
“I hate this, Mike. Why're you acting like a spoiled brat
all of a sudden? I know you're
hurting, but I can't do anything if I don't know why.”
I hid my tears and didn't say
anything.
“I didn't mean it
before, Mike. I'm sorry I got
pissed, but you're acting like a real asshole lately.”
I knew I was; I just couldn't
admit it.
“Why'd you hit Anton
like that? He didn't hurt you. I don't get it at all. You give him a bike, then won't show him
how to ride it. Man, he was so
excited when he finally got up on it, then you gotta come along and smack him
in the face.”
I maintained my silence, then
felt Jed's hand land gently on my shoulder. “It ain't like you, Mike. You're scaring me.”
I was sobbing out loud by
then. I lifted my head and looked
at Jed. “You wanna know
why? First little Saint Anton won't leave me the fuck alone; now
he's stealin' all my friends.”
Jed's voice sounded
incredulous. “Stealing your
friends? You mean making friends with
folks you know? That ain't
stealing, Mike. That's just ...
life. I don't get why you hate that boy.”
I was overexcited and having
trouble breathing normally.
“You wanna know? Last
year when me'n Jack were gettin' shit from every direction, Anton was the only
kid in our grade dishin' it out.
After the crash it all stopped ... except fuckin' Anton! You know what that was like? It was so bad with everybody dead and everythin',
than that little ... fucking ... weasel just kept
it up every time he saw me. I
looked at Jed, tears clouding my picture of him. “I should ‘a bashed his
brains in a long time ago.”
I could make out Jed's
surprised expression. “Anton?
I ... I didn't know that. You
should ‘a told me before, Mike.
I would ‘a made him shut up.”
I muttered, “He's too
fuckin' stupid. He ain't gonna
learn nuthin'.”
“Mike, I'm sorry. I
didn't know that was going on, but it don't make Anton stupid. Dumb maybe, a horse's ass maybe, but he
sure ain't stupid. I never talked
to him before yesterday, but he seems pretty nice, and he sure seems
smart.”
“See? First Joe, then my mother, then you,
then Dave. He's weaselin' up to all my
friends an' takin' 'em away!
It ain't right, Jed. He
should just go back to the holler he came from.”
“Well, I'm not trying to
change your mind about him, but you're wrong about me. You can't ask me to not like somebody
because you
don't. That ain't fair to
anybody.” He lifted my chin
with his hand, forcing me to look at him.
“The only person who can make me change my opinion of you is you!” He grinned suddenly. “You're doing a pretty good job of
it right now.”
I had calmed down a
little. I tried to smile, but doubt
that it worked very well.
“I'm bein' an asshole.
Can I get a ride home? I'm
beat.”
“You won't talk to
Anton? At least give it a
try?”
I shook my head.
Jed sighed. “Okay. Let's get you home.”
He got to his feet and held a
hand out to me, but I got up by myself and walked over to the car. The ride only took a minute, and when I
was getting out of the car Jed said, “I'll go get your fish and your
things. I'll be right
back.” He looked worried. “You gotta calm down, Mike. Things'll get better; you'll see.”
I managed a smile and
nodded. “Thanks, Jed.”
I could hear agitated voices
from the back porch. My mother and
father were sitting there. When
they saw me, my father said, “Now what, Mike? You're getting in fights? You get up here and explain
yourself!”
His voice sounded angry and
worried at the same time. I went in
through the kitchen, then out to the porch. My parents both looked at me with
expressions that should have been reserved for the first visitor from Mars. I don't think my mother could have
looked more mortified if I'd come at her with an axe raised in my hands. My father just looked angry, but in
control of it. He told me to sit.
He spoke. “Mike, what exactly is going
on? Bob Surdiak told us you were
cussin' out people last night, now Mrs. Anderson said you just punched little
Anton Wolfe in the nose. I'll
listen to your side, but you're already in trouble.”
My mother said, “Joe,
wait.” She looked at me. “Michael, go wash up and change
your shirt. You look like something the cat dragged in.”
I saw what she meant when I
got to the bathroom. My face, which
had already been dirty from fishing, was all streaked with mud from my
crying. My hands were almost black,
and my shirt was dirty and all messed up from where Jed had grabbed it. I pulled the shirt off and dropped it in
the hamper, then washed up. I went
to my bedroom and put on a clean shirt, then headed back to the porch. I could hear other people talking as I
approached.
Bus jokes are not funny things
in Morton these days, but it sure looked like one had just pulled up out front
of our house. The
“Mike, we have company
right now but you're not off the hook, so don't think it for a
second.” He looked
around. “Who wants to
start?”
Jed had my pail of fish in his
hand. He held it out to my father with a dumb grin on his face. I put ice on 'em. I bet I know what you're having for supper
tonight.”
Pat smiled his big-eyed
smile “Yeah! Same as
us: fish fry!”
I caught a glimpse of
Anton. He was wearing his usual
frown, but he didn't look any the worse for wear. I hadn't given him any bruises,
anyhow. Mr. Anderson spoke up. “Michael, I want you to apologize
to Anton right now. If you decide
you need to fight again, please give him some warning, and do it in your own driveway.”
A lot of
people at once asked, “What happened?” while I looked at the floor
and muttered, “Sorry, Anton.”
When I looked up Dave was
staring at me. Mr. Anderson was
explaining how he saw me sock Anton, but Dave never changed his stare. He looked at my father. “Let me borrow these
two.” He looked at Joe. “I know you're going to the store,
but this shouldn't take too long.
Okay?”
Joe grinned at Dave, then
around at everybody. “Man,
you're taking on the Hatfields and the McCoys with this pair! Take your time!”
My father nodded, then Dave
said, “Okay. Mike and Anton come with me.” He led us to his house, then to Jack's
room. When we were all in there he
had me sit in the middle of the floor with my legs straight out, then made
Anton sit the same way with his back right against mine. The position was uncomfortable to start
with, but I was doubly uncomfortable with the little creep's body actually
touching mine.
“Okay, guys. Cross your arms and talk things
out. Talk, nothing else. You can yell and scream if you want, but
don't move a muscle. When you're
friends, give me a yell. I'll be in
the kitchen.”
That was it! He left the room and closed the door
behind him. I thought he was really
dumb if he expected this to work.
Anton and I sat there. I found the position uncomfortable, but
I was damned if I was going to move first.
We were there a long time: fifteen minutes, a half hour, probably longer. I literally cringed every time Anton
shifted his weight or moved in any manner.
Anton was on the top of my shit list, but Dave was right now a close
second.
Eventually I heard Anton's
creepy little voice from behind me. “Why'd you hit me?”
I remained silent. After another minute he said, “I
didn't mean to bump you. I was just
all excited and I did the brakes the wrong way. I didn't mean it.”
I said nothing. Anton sniffled. “Nobody ever hit me before. You scared me.”
“Shut up.”
“You hate me, don't
you?”
“You got that
right!”
“It's okay. Everybody
does. Is it because of the way I
look?”
“No.”
“I look weird though, right?”
“You are weird! Will you just shut up?”
“Dave said we're s'posed
to talk.”
“Well, screw him! He's your
friend, not mine.”
“He likes you a
lot.”
“Yeah? Well he's got a funny way of showin'
it.”
We were both quiet for a long
time, then, “Mike?”
“What?”
“I like the bike. It's real fun to ride. I'll get better on it. Jed said I did good.”
“Anton?”
“Huh?”
“Just shut up,
okay? I don't care if you like the
bike. I don't care if you get to be
a world champion. Just quit runnin' your mouth and go to
sleep or somethin'.”
He sniffed. “Sorry. Do you like your bird house? I thought it was stupid, but Joe said
you'd like it.”
I didn't answer.
“It was the best one I
ever made. I like it.”
“You made more?”
“Yeah, lots. I make them to look like the houses around
here that I like. We never had a
house. I like houses.”
“There's nothin' wrong
with trailers. Lots'a people have
'em.”
“I know. Where I live is fine, but I like real
houses. Trailers are all the
same. They're boring.”
Imagine that! The most boring person on earth telling
me that trailers were boring.
“Will you please
shut up?”
“Joe said the things I
called you were bad, that I should say I'm sorry.”
“Don't bother.”
“Joe said it's never to
late to make things right.”
“It's too late.”
“I'm sorry anyhow. I was bein' mean.”
“That you were, Anton! You like bein' mean to people?”
“No! I ... uh ... I
didn't even know it was bad 'til Joe told me. It's ...”
“Jesus, Anton! You spent a solid year tryin' to make me
and Jack feel like total misfits, then you tell me you didn't know? That's bullshit!”
I could feel him sob this
time. His voice was very low. “I was always last, Mike. I never
had a single friend, 'cause I was too small or too stupid or too funny
looking. Then they said you was
queer and it made me feel better
than you. I didn't even know what
it meant. I asked about a hunnert
times before I even believed it, then my daddy said it was so.”
“Your daddy said I was
queer?”
“No, he said there was such a thing is
all. I was just tryin' to get a
friend. I didn't mean anything
about you when I said that stuff.”
“Why'd you keep it up
then? Why the hell'd you pick on me
when everybody else gave it up?
Before that you were just an asshole like everybody else, but when Jack
got killed you didn't let up. That
was just plain mean!”
He was quiet for a few
seconds, and I swear I could sense him hanging his head. “I'm sorry, Mike. I truly
am.” He paused. “I wanted to be like you. I don't mean queer; I mean happy and
easy with people like you are. I
guess I was always ... jealous.”
“Why the hell would you
be jealous of me? I'm the town queer! That ain't anythin' to be jealous
about.”
“Joe said you really
loved Jack and he loved you back.
Is that so?”
I squeezed my eyes shut,
forming a picture of Jack in my mind.
“Yeah, it's so. We were in love. Are
in love.”
He was silent for a few
minutes. His voice had gotten even
smaller. “I loved my granny
before she died. She showed me how
to whittle.”
I didn't say anything, so he
went on. “When I was makin'
that birdhouse, it was like she was right there with me, makin' sure I got the
glue right an' everythin'. I know
she's dead, but I still love her.
It's like she's livin' right in my head.”
Boy, did I want that! “Anton?”
“Huh?”
“How do you do
that? How do you make her alive
again?”
“I didn't mean she is alive, just that it
seems it sometimes. She always said
that if I put two good thoughts together and she's in one of 'em, then she'd
never leave me.”
“You miss her?”
“Too much. You miss Jack, too.”
He'd stated that as a fact,
which I appreciated. I also
appreciated what Dave had done there.
My hatred toward Anton had pretty much evaporated from talking to him. He was just a shy kid, worse off than me
in some ways, but he had more of a sense of self than I ever did. I wasn't ready to like him, but I knew that
we could at least have a civil relationship.
“Anton?”
“Yeah?”
“Ready to go?”
“But, Dave said
...”
“We're there,
Anton. Don't you have a nickname or
something?”
“Joe calls me
Wolfie.”
“He calls your father
Wolfie, too, and your mother for that matter.” We both laughed.
“You could call me
Tony.”
“Tony? Tony's cool. Can you get up? I'm about stuck to this floor.”
“We're gonna be
friends?”
“If you stop bein' a rotten
little prick!”
“You gotta stop bein' a
snob, then.”
We had both dropped to our
sides, hoping to get some circulation going in our legs. I looked at Tony. “Snob?”
He smiled. “Yeah. Stuck up. You never said if you like your
birdhouse.”
I got to my feet smiling
inwardly and outwardly. “I
gotta look again. It was kinda dark out.
Ma said it was spectacular.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Well, she's my
Mom. She don't miss much.”
I actually looked at his face
when he smiled broadly at that last remark. I guess ugly is in the eye of the
beholder. With a smile on his face and those huge brown eyes, Tony looked
pretty normal. I smiled back, Tony led the way into the kitchen.
Dave must have heard us
coming, because he was at the table looking toward the door that we came in through. When he saw us he grinned, then looked
at his watch. “Not bad. Hardly a record, but not bad at all. You guys figured things out?”
I glanced at Tony. He was smiling his shy smile. I looked back at Dave. “Yeah, we're cool. Thanks, Dave. That was neat. How'd you know it would work?”
He smiled and made like he was
twirling the end of a non-existent moustache. “Practice, me boy, practice. Ready to go face the elders?”
We both nodded, then went back
to my house. There were even more people there. Joe's wife had come with their other two
kids, and Bob Surdiak was there with his wife Karen. I went directly to Bob and knelt down in
front of him. “I'm sorry for
what I said, Bob. You never been
anythin' 'cept good to me. I was
just mad at the world, okay?”
His eyes twinkled. “Yeah, and I was pretty
tired. Just forget what I
said. You know you're welcome
anytime.”
I smiled and patted his
knee. “Thanks.”
Joe was standing there. “Okay. Let's get this shoppin' trip on the
road! Who's coming?”
I raised my hand along with
Hector, Scott and Tony. Joe grinned, then looked at his wife. “Gotta take your car, they won't
fit in mine.”
She dug in her purse, then
handed him the keys. “Don't
park too close to anybody.”
Joe grinned, then leaned down
and kissed her. “Not to
worry. I'll just stay with the car
and let these punks empty out the mall by themselves.”
She grinned. “Nap time, huh?”
He shrugged and smiled, then
we piled into their car. Squeezed
would be a better term. Scott sat
up front with his dad, Hector and I were in back with Tony, and it wasn't a
very big car.
It took us about forty minutes
to get to the mall. Joe parked and
we walked inside. I hadn't been
there many times and Anton never had, but Hector and Scott knew their way
around. The first stop was a shoe
store for a few pairs of sneakers and some winter boots. Joe sent us into Dillard's by ourselves
to pick out clothes, his only rules being no baggy pants and no shirts with
obnoxious writing on them.
It was kind of fun by
ourselves. We got ten pairs of
socks, then looked at underwear.
Everybody had their opinion on briefs and boxers. Tony couldn't make up his mind, so we
ended up getting him twelve pairs of each.
We looked at the clothes in there, but only bought two pairs of
jeans. Hector thought Anton would
like the things in The Gap better.
Scott had his father's credit card and a note saying he could use it,
but the lady wouldn't take it. I
went out and found Joe, then when he came into the store he politely gave the
lady hell for not believing his son while he was signing the slip himself.
We all went into The Gap
together. Tony didn't like their
pants very much, but he got a bunch of shirts there, then we went to American
Outfitters and he got a whole bunch of things. Anton liked their flannel shirts, so he
got several of them, along with fall and winter jackets, more pants, some
belts, a scarf, gloves, and a wallet.
We all had armloads of stuff, but when we were walking back through the
mall Joe stopped at a kiosk and got Tony a watch, then sunglasses at another
one. We stopped at one more kiosk
and we all got baseball caps, which Joe called helmets, from our favorite
teams. Tony didn't have a favorite
so he got a Blue Jays cap because he liked the way it looked.
We filled the trunk of the car
with all the things, and headed for home.
Joe got off the interstate in some town, where he said they had the best
milkshakes in the state at a little place that was right off the exit. We all got what we wanted, then sat at a
picnic table and enjoyed the treat.
Anton looked at Joe and
said, “Thanks Joe. That was an awful lot of money.”
Joe smiled. “Don't worry about it,
Wolfie. Your Daddy's taking care of
everything. What time is it?”
Tony beamed as he looked at
his shiny new watch. “It's three-twenty!”
Joe smiled again. “You know what's good about
that?”
“?”
“It's the perfect time
to be eating a yummy ice cream and havin' fun with all your new friends.”
Tony took off his sunglasses
and smiled at each of us in turn.
“It surely is, Joe.
You guys are the best!”
We finished up and drove back
to my house. It looked like
half the town was there by then. It
was kind of a joke with the adults that a good picnic never really ends; you just
wait to see where it's going to pop up next.
Joe made us bring all the
clothes inside and take the price tags off them. We hauled everything into my bedroom and
started peeling and snipping them off.
There wasn't enough room for all of us to help, but Scott and Hector
were doing a good job. Tony was
looking around, then he noticed the picture of Jack and me. He said, “That's Jack.” He looked around at me. “It's not a very good
picture.”
He was right, but it was the
only one I had of the two of us together.
It was a little off center and somewhat overexposed. I sighed. “It's the only one of us.”
“It's too bad. He was nice?”
“He was real nice,
Tony. He was the best friend I ever
had.”
Tony nodded sadly, then Scott
announced that they were finished.
Tony wanted to put on some new clothes, so we left him there amid his
sacks of new things and headed out to the porch.
I saw my father sitting with
Andy and Dave, so I walked over to them.
“Hi.”
They all looked up and said
hi, then my father spoke.
“Jed told me why you hit Anton.” He looked a little anguished. “Why didn't you say something? If you keep holding things inside,
you're going to explode
one of these days. Anyhow, I don't
like fighting but I guess you're off the hook on that one. No more though, understood?”
“I understand.”
“Good.” He smiled. “Bob Surdiak refuses to press
charges, so you're a free man for now.
You really need to think better of people, Mike. Everybody's on your side, but you're
making that a hard place to be.”
I hung my head and drew a
little circle on the floor with the toe of my sneaker. “I know. I'm sorry.”
Dave looked pretty happy. “So how was the shopping
trip? Did Anton get what he
needed?”
I smiled. “There ain't much left, that's for
sure. He got about ten of
everything.”
I heard my mother cry out,
“Here he is! Anton Wolfe,
come meet Mr. Dickey!” I
turned around to see Anton just coming out through the door. He was wearing a dark red tee shirt and
stone washed jeans with his new Nikes.
He had the Blue Jays cap on and the shades resting on top of it. At least everything fit and didn't make
him look so skinny. Joe smiled
proudly at him and called him 'slick' when he walked by, causing Tony to smile
and blush at the same time.
I followed Tony over to my
mother. Mr. Dickey was sitting next
to her with the birdhouse in his hands.
He stood up and held his hand out.
As Tony shook it, Mr. Dickey said, “This is a fine piece of work,
Anton. It's my house, you
know.” Tony looked confused. “I mean, I live in the real house
that you modeled this after. Can
you make another one? I'll pay you
for it.”
“Uh, sure ... I
guess. You sure got a nice
house. I only ever saw the front,
so I just guessed about the rest of it.”
“Well, thank you. I never noticed you there, but you must
have spent some time to make it so accurate.”
“Huh? I only seen it one time when I walked
by. I just remembered it so I could
get the porch right.”
Mr. Dickey's eyebrows went up
in surprise. I think mine must
have, too. “Just once? That's
amazing! How much will you charge
for one just like this?”
“Um ... uh ... you don't
hafta pay me. It's just twigs an'
stuff. It'll take me a couple weeks, but I kin make another one.”
Mr. Dickey smiled. “Nonsense! You put a lot of work
into this. You just let me know
when it's ready, and I'll pay you, okay?”
Tony grinned. “Really?” He looked at
me. “You hear that, Mike?
He's gonna pay
me.”
I smiled back. My mother asked, “Have you made
others, Anton? I'll bet lots of people
would pay you to do the same thing with their houses.”
“You think? I made a whole lot of them but ... well
there's birds
livin' in 'em.”
We all laughed at his earnest
expression of the truth. I smelled
food cooking and it made me hungry.
“I'm gettin' somethin' to eat. You hungry, Tony?”
“I just ate a triple
banana split!” His expression
changed a little. “It does
smell good. Maybe just a hot
dog.”
Our yard was full of people,
the same ones who had been at Surdiak's the day before. They were in Dave's yard too, apparently
helping themselves to tours of the new barn.
Jed was manning the grills and
we approached him from behind. When
he turned around and spotted Tony he gave him a huge smile. “Whoa, Anton! You look like a new man!”
Tony smiled proudly. Jed looked quickly back and forth at
us. “So ... you guys cool
now?”
As I nodded my head Jed said,
“Turn around, Anton. I wanna
see the whole package.” Anton
turned around slowly. “Not
bad. Not bad at all! Now you just gotta put some ass in them
pants! What'll it be? Hot dogs, hamburgs,
cheeseburgers, or spicy sausage?”
I said, “I'll have two
cheeseburgs.”
Tony said, “Four hot dogs.”
I looked at him. “I thought you were full.”
He grinned. “You heard Jed. I gotta grow me an
ass.”
I shook my head and
smiled. “You're
nuts.” Then I snuck a look
and he did seem a little deprived in that department. I wondered if it hurt him to sit down
directly on bones. I looked at
Jed. “Where'd Pat go? I didn't see him.”
“He went out to the
creek with some other kids. He'll
be back. He said you guys had a
good time today. Hey, go get some
plates and get your rolls. These
things won't take long.”
We went to the picnic table
and got plates and buns, then I took a scoop of chili and some macaroni salad. The meat was ready when we got back to
the grill, and Jed loaded us up. I
sat against a tree, but Tony didn't want to get his new clothes dirty so he
went back up on the porch. I
watched him walking away and suddenly realized that I'd hated him when I woke
up that morning, now he seemed okay, kind of a nice kid really.
The big thing was that I felt
better about it. I didn't think
we'd ever be good friends because we had very little in common, but at least I
wouldn't get a knot in my stomach every time I heard his name.
“This seat
taken?” I was startled, but
it was Joe Goldman bending to sit beside me.
“Hi, Joe. Thanks for the ice cream before.”
“No problem. You made me real happy today, you know.”
“I did?”
“Yup. You settled your differences with Anton like
a man.” He smiled, then his
look turned serious. “Don't
turn into a loner, Mike. If that
was your nature I'd say go for it, but it ain't the way you're put
together. You're a social person,
so you're just gonna be miserable stayin' by yourself all the time.” He smiled again. “People like you, Mike. Don't make it hard for them to know
you.”
“I'm happy bein'
alone. It's easier.”
“Oh, it's easy
alright. It's also boring and a
waste of your life. I was a shy
kid, Mike. I was afraid of everybody
all the time, but I got over it.
It's not a nice place to be, and you're crazy if you put yourself there
on purpose.”
“I think I am crazy.”
“You're not crazy kid,
you just got a raw deal. Your first
love got ripped right out from under you ... um, so to speak.” He put on an embarrassed smile. “Let me rephrase that. You lost Jack in the worst possible way,
and it turned everything upside down, but if you let your friends help you
you'll be okay. It wasn't anything
you could have stopped from happening, and you can't stop it from happening
again if your luck's bad enough.” His expression turned serious. “Listen to me. What you're looking for isn't in your
head yet. You need to open up to
other people, because that's where your answers are. There's lots of love in this world, but
you can only find it if you're giving it off yourself. Am I making any sense?”
“I guess, but I'm not
lookin' for love. I'm lookin' for
Jack.”
Joe put his hands on his
face. “Oh, boy. Dave told me
that. Let me think a
second.” He thought for what
seemed like several minutes.
“Okay, this is only a guess.
Say when you die your spirit lives on. I'm not sure what that means, but I
don't think you can take the bus anymore if you're a spirit. Now, if it's true, then there's a
heckuva lot of spirits around all competing for space. Just think, one spirit for every single
person that ever lived, maybe every animal and bug too. You with me so far?”
“I think so.”
“Okay, so how do you
think one spirit could find you if it wanted to, what with all the noise and
crowding in the spirit world?”
“Jack knows where I
live.”
“I don't think it's that
simple, not like
I didn't hesitate. “Love and caring.”
Joe smiled, “That's two
words. Is one more true than the
other?”
“I ... hmm. Let me think. Jack loved me, but he cared about
everything. He loved me though. If I answer love then it sounds selfish.
Screw it! Jack's essence was
love!”
Joe smiled kindly. “Now we're getting somewhere. The rest of this might be a stretch, but
it's gotta be obvious that the connection between the real world and the spirit
world is pretty flimsy. If it
wasn't we'd have ghosts everywhere, and that ain't the case. We do hear about them, though, so there's
gotta be a way some of them find their way back. You still with me?”
I was and I nodded. Joe's ideas were always at least
different, and he was fun to listen to.
“Okay, the way I figure
it, it's gotta be like giant magnets.
We're still here and we can be whatever we want to be, but most of us do
too many things to work any magnetism up.
I think the spirits can only find the people that send out one strong
signal. If Jack's essence is love,
then you gotta be love central before
he can find you. You need to
attract him just like a magnet. Am
I makin' sense here?”
“I'm not sure what you
mean.”
“If I say something
wrong just slap me. Jack was a hard
kid to know, right? I mean,
he kept to himself all the time.”
“That's for sure.”
“But once you liked him
you didn't let up, did you?”
“Let up?”
“You had to know
everything, right? You bugged him
until he gave in, didn't you?”
I chuckled. “Yeah, I bugged him. I don't know if he ever gave in
though”
“Who said it first?”
“Said what?”
“I love you.”
“Um, I did.”
“Did he say it
back?”
“Yeah. Not right away, but he did.”
“How long before he said
it?”
“A couple of days, I
guess. What's it matter?”
“Did you put your
feelings on hold when he didn't answer right away?”
“No.”
“Did you still love him
when you didn't know if he loved you back?”
“... Yeah.”
“Do you still love him
now?”
“Of course I do.”
Joe grinned, “Okay, so
that parts all in order. Now you
hafta expand your love to other things ... other people. You can't keep goin' around thinking
this sucks and that sucks. You'll
never get your magnets fired up being like that. You have to start giving out love all
the time, but it's even more important that you start accepting it every time
it's offered.”
“I don't get it. Who goes around offering love?”
Joe had a mysterious little
smile on his face. “Most
people do it, Mike. You just don't
recognize it all the time. Where'd
you go fishing today?”
“Little Wheezy
River.”
“Now that's a nice
place. Did you have a good
time?”
“Yeah, I had a great
time.”
“Did you love it?”
I had to smile. “Yeah, I loved it.”
“Who brought you?”
“Mr. Anderson and
Patty.”
“Very good. What kind of ice cream did you get
today?”
“Chocolate-chip cookie
dough.”
“Did you love it?”
“Mmmmmm.”
“Who took you to get
it? Who paid for it.?”
I smiled, even though I
didn’t know what Joe was getting at.
“You did.”
“Good. Those were easy ones. What'd you and Anton do when you were in
Dave's house?”
“We talked. Well, mostly he talked.”
“You hated him when you
went over there, didn't you?”
I was embarrassed about
that. My response was a
whisper. “Yes.”
“You don't hate him
anymore do you?”
“No.”
“Doesn't that make you
feel better? I mean you look a lot
happier than you did yesterday.”
“I do feel better.”
“Do you like feeling
better?”
“Yeah, I like it.”
“Do you love the difference between
feeling miserable and feeling good?”
He had me trapped, and I had
to stifle a laugh. “I guess I
do love the
difference.”
“Who made you talk to
Anton?”
“Dave did.”
Joe’s voice took on a
new, gentler tone. “You know
what you're missing here?”
I didn't have a clue where he
was going with it. “No.”
“Those were all acts of
love, Mike, but you didn't recognize a single one of them for what it was, did
you?”
“Acts of love?”
“Yup! Sometimes people have to do things for you,
like waiting tables in a restaurant or something. When they do something nice they don't
have to do, it's because of love.
You need to recognize that when it happens. Absorb all that love, build up your
magnet. You want some more
examples?”
“I guess.”
He pointed to the grills. “Look at Jeddy over there cookin'
for everybody. That's
love.” He pointed over to our
porch, “Look at your Mom giving Anton a big head by showing off his
birdhouse. That's love, too. Look at your Dad and Andy playing with
other people's kids. That's
love. It's all around you, Mike. You gotta be a love sponge; soak it all
up. You need to recognize it when
you give away love, too.”
I was hooked. “How's my magnet gonna get strong
enough if I give it away?”
He grinned. “Love's funny like that. The human mind has an infinite capacity
to absorb it, sorta like dissolving salt in water. Look.”
He reached into the mulch
around the tree and grabbed a handful, then started sprinkling it into a little
pile. “This here's your love
reserve. Now here comes somebody
commiting an act of love on you.”
He dropped some mulch on the pile, then looked around. “Uh oh,
here comes somebody else!” He
dropped some more, then looked at me.
“It's pretty simple when you have a nice graphic example. Now, here's where love gets different
than most things.” He picked up more mulch in his other hand. “Here's you giving off love to
somebody else, Wolfie for example.”
He started sprinkling the stuff into the original pile and into a new
one as well.
He looked up triumphantly, an
excited expression on his face.
“See? When somebody
else is giving you some love your little pile grows, but when you're doing it both piles grow. Your pile can only get bigger, and it
gets big twice as fast when you're the one doing the loving things!” His smile was kind and gentle.
“It's simple science, Mike. Your
own stash of love actually gets bigger when you give it away.”
I was giggling at the
simplicity of it. “That is so cool! I'm gonna pay way more attention to what
people do.”
Joe looked happy. “You do that.” He started to stand up. “Remember ... magnet! It's nothing special, Mike. It's the little love things we all do without
thinking, just everyday love.”
I leaned back against the
tree, smiling inwardly as I tried to picture myself as a love magnet. I saw Jed talking to his father and
decided to give it a try. I got to
my feet and walked over. “Mr.
A?”
“Oh, Hi Mike.”
“I'm sorry I got mad
before. I had a good time today and
never said thanks. So ...
thanks. I loved fishin' in your canoe.”
He smiled. “Well, thank you for saying
that. You and Anton settled your
differences?”
“Yeah, we're
okay.”
He smiled and patted my
shoulder. “Well that's
good. I really don't like having
blood stains in my driveway. And
next time, you get to clean my
fish!”
“You cleaned 'em?”
I asked in surprise. “I
forgot all about 'em.”
“I cleaned them. Mrs. Rizza's in the kitchen getting them
ready to fry.”
I hugged him, which is what I
meant to do in the first place. I
looked at Jed, who had a bemused look on his face. “Thanks Jed ... for stickin' with
me when I'm an asshole. You're a
good person.” I walked over
to him and gave him a hug. He
returned it and laid his chin on my shoulder.
“Hey, us assholes have
to stick together. You gonna help
me cook the fish?”
“Sure, I'll be right
back.”
I walked up on the porch,
greeting the people that I passed.
I went to where my mother was sitting and picked up the birdhouse that
Anton had made. The one I had
wanted to smash into toothpicks the night before. I sat down in a chair and took a good
look at it. There was so much
detail that it looked almost like it had been made by a machine. The spindles on the porch were hardly
bigger than tooth picks, but they looked almost like they'd been turned on a
lathe. The doors and windows were
just little pieces of wood glued on, the only real entrance being a round hole
for the birds with a little round twig for them to perch on just below it. Everything looked delicate, but it felt
as solid as a rock.
The night before I'd just
thought it was some little model, but looking closely at it in the light of day
I kind of got lost in it. The
little details, right down to the door knob and a porch light, were all
there. I'd made model cars
and planes for a while, but they mostly ended up with blotches of glue running
out of all the joints. Anton's work
gave you no clue how it was all held together.
Duly impressed, I set it back
down on the table and smiled at my mother.
I saw Anton talking to his father and Dave, then walked over and tapped
him on the shoulder. As he was
turning around I said, “Hi,
Mr. Wolfe. Hi, Dave. Hey, Tony! I just took a good look at
that birdhouse. It's beautiful!
How'd you do that?”
He looked excited. “You really like it?”
“I really love it. I never said thanks.”
“You don't hafta. It was just a trade for the bike.”
“I know. It's too much, though. The bike was just layin' here, and you
worked real hard to make that. You
should just sell it to Mr. Dickey.”
I could see Dave shaking his
head no behind Tony, as if he thought I
said the wrong thing. Tony looked
stricken. “You don't want it?”
I felt bad. “That's not what I meant. It's too valuable to trade for an old
bike. You can give me somethin'
else someday. That's all I
meant.”
Tony shook his head. “Nope. That's what I gave you. It's yours now. If you wanna sell it you can, but I
ain't takin' it back.”
I looked into those big eyes,
wondering what his expression meant.
What Joe had just talked about popped into my head. Tony had taken the gift of the bike as
an act of love on my part and wanted to return it by giving me the birdhouse,
no matter the difference in relative value. I felt a twinge of shame, then a
powerful urge to become better friends with this boy.
He looked like he was afraid
of what I was going to say, so I smiled.
“I'm keepin' it.
I’ll keep it forever.
You wanna help cookin' the fish?”
His worried look
disappeared. “I'll
help.”
“You doin' anything
tomorrow? You wanna go
riding?”
“Bikes? You'll go with me?” His face was a picture of happy
surprise.
I lifted up my leg and showed
him the tire mark from earlier and grinned. “I'll go with you. You need professional training and
practice. Lotsa
practice.”
Ended