Conversations 5

A Sanitaria Springs Story

By Dabeagle

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Doi Frati / Two Brothers

I sat on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment, trying to find some quiet inside me and failing. As much as I'd been told things were fine, that court was more of a formality, I couldn't help feeling like everything – this life – could simply be taken away from me. I took a deep breath, held it as I counted to ten, and let it out slowly. I did this a few times, but wasn't feeling much better.

I've had some poor luck in my life. I've made poor decisions that compounded my poor luck. For a long time I'd been drowning without realizing it. If I were still in Romania I might be dead, or a kept whore if I were somewhat lucky – perhaps simply a whore if I weren't. The scary thing was that maybe being a whore wasn't the poorest turn my luck could have taken. Perhaps I'd have ended up in prison?

I sometimes think about that, and many times it's difficult to pull myself from the bleak thoughts of what my mind says could still be.

Foreign adoption is complicated, and I'm old for the whole process. Suddenly my life changed because of one person who loves me beyond any reason, who I thought was dead until I saw his face on a computer screen, ecstatic to see my face. Not a parent, not a sibling – not by blood at any rate. More amazing – he was someone who loved me by choice. It makes me feel small and powerful all in one. It's not easy to keep inside my head.

I didn't really understand how bleak life in the orphanage was, how other people lived their lives, until I came here. It just was what I had, and I didn't know people who had it better. There were tourists or people on TV, of course, but they almost weren't real – not even human. Just fanciful ghosts that passed by, never leaving an impression to mark their passing.

Nik and I...we shared a deep bond. One that was born from sharing a terrible experience. He'd been my partner in small crimes – jokes. I'd make him laugh, and it made me feel good, for a time. We even learned about our bodies with each other, for a little bit. We didn't really get into the ideas of sexuality, not much anyway. That would have been a luxury, and we didn't have those. Then one day he was gone, and I was told he was dead. Looking back, I think I lost part of myself that day. I began to want more. I think Nik had made things bearable, and when he was taken from me, I was left with a huge hole I had no idea how to fill.

Then came the men who would say nice things to me. Compliment me. Make offers. They would offer a form of intimacy. It wasn't a replacement for Nik, but the food, the clothes, and maybe even some feeling of control because I was desired poured in to try and fill that void in my heart.

I did not think I was lovable. I was sure no one loved me, ever. Then...Nik's love pulled me halfway around the world. It's true that's not literal; he had been found by his brother's family, and the same hands that helped him to a new life reached out for me. It's something like being pulled from a garbage pile.

I admit...I struggled to adapt. My English wasn't very good. Nik was always on my ass about homework, not smoking – trying to help me at every turn, whether I wanted it or not. And of course...I did want it. I wanted to feel that love – that real love that didn't come with being desired or used and tossed aside. But...it was hard. Hard to admit the need, even to myself. Hard to understand that I felt unlovable, despite what was going on around me.

I failed many times, and each time someone would help me back up. At first it was just Nik and his relentless riding my ass. Later it became Averi, my girlfriend. Papas have given me much guidance and patience. But there are so many more. Sometimes it feels like I am surrounded by spies, and yet the truth has always been that they were there to help me. I had asked Nik 'How do I keep this life?' and the entire family had collectively answered, 'We will show you and help you.'

Of course, that makes things sound like people have simply accepted I was growing and didn't get mad at me or that I was gracious in accepting help. In fact Nik wasn't speaking to me right now, because I was so nervous I went out to smoke. I don't know why I smoke – it doesn't particularly taste good. The Vape pens are better, but I think it has more to do with just wanting to do something with my hands. Sometimes Averi would fill that need for me, and I admit I like having my hands on her.

She was also someone I could be still with, which is unusual for me. Nik is the only other one I can do that with. They both tell me not to smoke, but sometimes it just feels like people telling you what to do rather than caring about your health. So I dig in and refuse, and then I get situations like today, where Nik catches me, and he says things, and I say things, and we're both mad.

Sometimes it doesn't matter who's right. If I want to smoke to calm down, why can't I make that choice for myself without everyone coming down on my head? Nik used to tease me I could just suck a dick if I needed something in my mouth that badly, but that led to Averi finding out what I can do with my tongue. Kind of funny how that worked out.

“Come on, nemernicul,” Nik said, poking his head in my room. He liked to call me that; in English it means asshole. When he swore, he typically did it our native language to avoid people understanding.

I frowned and turned toward my doorway. “Fuck you. Where are we going?” I asked, standing up. I liked English swearing. It seemed more brutal, in some ways.

“Lucien needs help. He's taking the engine out of the bus.”

“A whole engine? I thought he was smart?” I asked, following him to the front door to get our shoes. Yes, I know, we were fighting, but this is sometimes how we solve it.

Nik snorted. “He loves that bus almost as much as he loves Robin, I think.”

“I don't understand why,” I said, falling in beside him as we headed down the street. “It's not fast. It's not sporty.”

“It has a fold down bed.”

“Ohhh.”

“It's also fun to ride in,” he pointed out.

“It's okay,” I replied. “But I don't understand why he doesn't just stick with the car his mother gave him? Why fix this thing?”

He shook his head. “Iubirea este ciudată.”

Love is strange. That is very true. I glanced at Nik, probably the person I loved most in the world – as much as I can love someone. I love Averi too, but it's different. Averi was someone I loved romantically, someone I wanted to sleep with. At first that was all I thought of her, but over time she's taught me about myself by being herself. Sometimes I'm ashamed I only saw her as some sexy...thing. Now I know she's a person, a whole person, and sometimes I wonder how often I've done that. In therapy I realized that that's how the men who'd picked me up on the street had seen me – less than human.

Nik was different, though. He was...a safe place. Many times, like now, being angry with each other wasn't a reason to leave one another out or to cut each other off from being together. He's rare. I think I love him and am annoyed by him so much that I can only call him my brother. I care about papas, too, but that again is different. I struggle with giving them the respect they deserve, sometimes, because I was so independent before.

My therapist says I was making adult decisions and doing more adult things earlier in life than I should have, and it can be very difficult to go back to being a child, because you feel like it really is going backward. She's right – it does feel that way. So things have not always been good between me and papas, but I...try to treat them with the same attitude I have with Nik – whatever is happening, we are still a group. Family is harder to say, but I can understand loyalty to a group, and I can value giving loyalty where it's earned or owed.

They earned it.

We walked up the driveway beside the home where Alec and Lucien grew up. It's like many other houses on this street. Middle class, I guess is the term. Not fancy, not shabby. Lucien was standing in the open door of the one-car garage next to the house. It was crammed with items, so there was no way the bus was going in there.

“Ah, Matei and Nikolai – the help's here,” Lu said with a grin.

“Why isn't Micah helping?” Nik asked.

“Alec took him up to see my uncle Ted. He got some new four-wheel thing with big tires and wanted to take it out.” Lu clapped a hand on each of us. “Besides, I know how hurt you guys would be if you didn't get to help pull an entire engine out.”

I looked at Nik. “You're right. He's a terrible liar.”

“Liar? Nik, you telling stories about me?” Lu pretended to sound offended.

“No. You are terrible liar,” Nik replied, laughing.

“Well, if you have to be known for something,” Lu replied.

“Who is Uncle Ted?” Nik asked.

“I'm not surprised you haven't met him,” Lu replied. “He moved back to the area a while ago, I guess, to be closer to family. He works a lot, though, and ends up traveling for work. He's kind of a workaholic, so we don't actually see him much.” He shrugged. “Alec knows him better than I do, and he figured if there was a chance he could throw Micah in the mud somewhere....” We laughed at the idea, and of course Micah would probably throw mud back. “Okay, so we need to jack up the back end and get the jack stands in place.”

Lu dragged the jack over, and Nik and I each took a stand, moving to either side of the bus. Once Lu had it high enough, we placed the stands beneath it, and he checked for safety before letting it down. The process was lengthy, stretching into the late afternoon. Lu explained cutting off the fuel line, unhooking the electrical connections, and then removing the axles so that the engine and transmission could come down together. He got the jack in place, we finished taking the bolts from the motor mounts and the transmission mount, and the whole thing came free of the bus.

“This is a lot of work. Why fix?” I asked.

Lu looked at the bus fondly and then back to me. “Even though this isn't the original, I have a lot of memories tied up in this brick. Trips with friends, the way it drives, even sometimes the way people come up to talk to you because they had one in their family.” He squinted a little. “It's kind of like...a physical connection that brings back tons of good memories that I don't want to lose.”

After a pause Nik said, “He likes slave labor.”

Lu flipped him off, and I laughed at Nik, who grinned. Of course Lu had been someone Nik had introduced me to right away. He'd challenged my ideas as gay men being feminine and weak – certainly not someone who could do car work. This was just an extension – and of course, teaching us. I wasn't sure about being a mechanic, but it did feel good to finally get the engine out.

We moved the engine and transmission to the garage, where a pallet was set up. After shifting it over, Lu examined the hunk of metal and showed us the spot where the engine had 'thrown a rod' and 'cracked the case'.

“What is rod?” I asked.

“What case?” Nik asked.

“So average cars, like the one my mom gave me, have a block with a head on top, and the pistons move up and down, at a little bit of an angle – like a 'V'.” He demonstrated with his arms and fists. “But this is called a water boxer, or horizontally opposed engine – meaning the pistons move out flat.” He demonstrated by punching forward with one fist, then pulling back to replace it with the second fist.

“Ah. Like a boxer,” I said.

“Right. These engines used to be just air-cooled – so no coolant or water or radiators. But at some point they switched.”

“Water boxer,” Nik said, nodding. “And case?”

“This engine doesn't use a traditional block design.” He squatted down to point. “See here? These are the heads and then the jugs, or piston sleeves, where the pistons pass through. Behind all of that is the engine case. It's kind of hollow, so not like a traditional engine block. The rod – which is attached to the piston – broke and cracked the side of the case.” He sighed. “So the case is useless.”

“So...engine is junk?”

Lu stood and nodded. “Yeah. I've been hunting around for a replacement, but they are pricey. I'm hoping I can find something with a good case and make one good engine out of two, but it may be more work than I can do.”

“What do you mean?” Nik asked.

“Well, there's all kinds of measurements that go into these things. Like, the rod broke because there is a metal sleeve called a bearing that got worn out. So instead of having oil to lubricate, it got stuck and broke. But that bearing also sits on the crankshaft, and if that got damaged, I might need a way to fix that or figure out how to get the right sized bearing for a crank that isn't new. Stuff wears over time, you know?”

I nodded like I understood.

“Plus...I've never done work like that, and I'm not sure I want to. Everything I just explained is stuff I've read or looked at in a video. I could probably learn a lot, but it's not like I want to be a VW mechanic. I just want my brick back.”

I glanced at the bus, fondly referred to as a brick for its square shape. I tried to see it through Lu's eyes, but...I suppose I didn't have quite the same attachment. I had worked with Lu, of course, but I hadn't done a great deal on the bus. Though, now thinking of it, I did enjoy my time with Lu when we did the work we had done, so perhaps I could understand a bit how he felt.

“So. Court date soon. You ready to become a citizen? Adoption?” Lu asked, wiping his hands.

I frowned a little. “I am struggling with the idea of being related to Nik – ow! Shithead!” I laughed, dancing back from Nik's balled fist. “You hit like a girl.” Of course that just egged Nik on, and we pushed and shoved for a minute. We leaned back, smiling a bit and breathing heavily. Lu was watching us with amusement.

“So. All set then, huh?” he prompted.

I sniffed and ran my finger under my nose. “Papas say everything is a...formality. So.” I blew out a breath and shrugged.

“I remember getting adopted,” Lu said. “I was kind of afraid something would change at the last minute, that I'd do something to make the whole thing blow up.” He shook his head. “I was a wreck, inside.”

Something in my stomach unfurled, making me feel uneasy. “But...you had Alec. Your parents love you. How...?”

He smiled at me. “You have Nik, and you have your dads. It doesn't always make sense, how we feel. Even after the adoption you might be wondering if something can still go wrong. Well...it can. It will. You're going to screw up.” He shrugged. “Learn from it and move on. You'll be okay.”

I shivered involuntarily, the feeling in my stomach feeling like it was settling in for good. Nik was putting his phone back in his pocket. “Papas say it's dinner time.”

I nodded. Lu thanked us for the help, and we headed back toward home. We walked in silence. I wasn't sure I wanted to say anything about this feeling in my stomach, or even what I would say. Part of me didn't want to lean on Nik, given how much he's already done for me. As much as I was kind of in charge of us when we'd been in the orphanage, the balance between us had shifted. I was indebted to him for my way of life, yet we argued much more than we ever had.

The odd part about the fighting was that it was as equals, more or less. I can't explain it. We got home, and papa grumbled that we needed to clean up. I went to the downstairs bathroom while Nik ran upstairs. We scrubbed up and met at the table, sitting down with papas. Sharing the meal was one of my favorite things, though I don't know why. Papas asked us things and listened to what we had to say about any number of things. It's hard to describe, because it was just talk; nothing consistent from meal to meal, just that it happened.

“Luke asked if he can come over tonight?” Nik asked.

“Sure. As long as he heads home about nine; it's a school night, after all.”

With dinner over, Nik went up to shower, and I went back to my room to think. I think I am jealous of Luke, in a way. I don't like the idea, but it's come up a bit in therapy. As my therapist says, I can recognize all Nik has done for me and the powerful bond we share, and yet I sometimes want him to myself. Not sexually – I really have no desire to get naked with him. Some of that may be from the men I was with before, but I think it's just not me. But I do go to him for physical comfort sometimes, like sitting shoulder to shoulder on the couch to watch something, or sometimes I will annoy him into wrestling.

My therapist says it's a form of intimacy, something separate from sex, that I seek from Nik. It makes me embarrassed to think of. I feel like a vampire sometimes, always seeking one more thing from Nik. Sometimes it bothers me so much I do things to aggravate him, and we fight. I can usually justify it in the moment, but later it can be very obvious that I was just seeking attention. This also makes me feel bad and is yet another thing that's been brought up in therapy. I sometimes think I must be damaged more than anyone could hope to fix.

Nik and Luke are...interesting together. In some ways they are just like Nik and myself; they pick on each other, they talk about anything that may come to mind. Sometimes they fight, calling each other on their bullshit – that's what Nik calls it. Nik has told me about confusing sex for love before, and I'm a little confused by that – or was. I think I understand a bit more now. I think I love Averi, but we haven't had full on sex.

When I see Nik and Luke together, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with Luke. I don't desire him, but Nik's interest makes me curious. I try to understand what Nik is feeling and compare it to how I feel with Averi. I don't think about it often, but when I do...I just can't seem to get there. There's nothing wrong with Luke, but I can't see myself with him. I wasn't even sure I'd be comfortable with Nik in that way anymore, and that was confusing.

I can't be sure I ever desired Nik. As I look back, I feel like it was more about finding comfort. Maybe...intimacy. My counselor and I have talked a bit about intimacy, about how people can confuse it for love or sex, which makes me think of Nik and how he felt for Nate. I can't help thinking about how Nate and I had some similarities in appearance and-

“What are you doing?”

Startled I looked to my doorway where Nik stood. “Nothing. Just thinking.”

“Is that what smells bad in here? I thought it was just you.”

I snorted. “I'm not the one wearing curvă perfume.”

“It's called cologne, and Luke likes it.”

“He must have lost his sense of smell from Covid, then.”

He sat down heavily next to me. “You're impossible.” He put his hands together. “I want you to stop smoking.”

“And I want-”

“Shut up!” he snapped, and anger welled up in my chest. “Will you just...shut up a minute and listen to me?”

Keeping my voice low and controlled, I said, “I listen all the time. To you. To papas. The counselor.”

He turned to look at me, and I thought his eyes looked the tiniest bit damp. “Then why? You know it's bad for you. Everyone that gives a shit about you tells you to stop. You don't even like it that much. But then you go and-”

“And so what? We have to die of something!”

“Wouldn't you rather die after an orgasm instead of your insides being eaten up by cancer?” he demanded.

I frowned. “Why do you say that? Do you even know anyone with cancer?”

He shifted. “No. But I think about it. I don't want that for you, or to watch you die like that.”

Who thinks about dying at our age? Someone who loves you.

I stood quickly and crossed to my desk, placing my fingertips on the top and trying – and failing – to follow my counselor's suggestions about deep breathing. “Tell me something, Nikolai. Why do you love me so much?”

There was a long pause before he spoke. “When you're not being a nemernicul, you're my best friend.”

I turned slowly and leaned against my desk. “Why? Because of shared trauma? The counselor said something like that, I think. Trauma. Is it because we suffered together?”

He frowned a little. “Matei...I don't think it's one thing. I think...love isn't simple.” He looked up at me. “I used to think it was. I used to think it had to do with a pretty face.” He took a breath. “I think I love you because we took care of each other, yes. You made something terrible not as bad. You...can bring joy into situations that are difficult.”

I shifted, not sure what to say.

He snorted and smiled. “I asked Alexandru once about these people he calls family. The people he gave to me, and that I brought you to.” He lifted his gaze to meet mine. “He made me understand that I was using family in a small way.”

I tilted my head. “What do you mean?”

He shrugged. “When I was in Romania, family meant mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters. But here were many people who acted like a family, who did all the things a family does, but weren't family.” He shook his head. “He told me there is a big difference between relations and families. You can be related to someone, but it doesn't mean you owe them anything – or they, you. But family...is different. Relatives don't always equal family.”

I crossed my arms, my chest feeling like a shiver was setting in and my throat feeling tight.

He bobbed his head once. “I love you because you're my family. So even when you're being a nemernicul-”

“Don't,” I choked out, feeling overwhelmed and wondering why I'd asked such a stupid question. “Don't say it.”

He narrowed his eyes. “I still love you. Nemernicul.” He stood up. “Why? Is this the gay thing again? You don't like that a gay boy loves you?”

I snorted, though my chest was still tight and my muscles tense. “I don't care whose dick you suck.”

He lifted his chin. “Fuck you.”

I tightened my jaw. “I just meant no – it's not the gay thing. I don't...really care about it. I don't understand, but I don't care.”

He narrowed his eyes. “I want you to care. I want you to understand.” He paused. “Why are you still smoking?”

I tried to relax my crossed arms, but felt like they were stone. My brain felt...wobbly. Changing the subject wasn't helping. Clearing my throat, I asked, “Don't you need to douche? Your boyfriend is coming over.”

He shook his head. “I waited too late to ask; he can't come over.” He took a step closer. “Why are you still smoking?”

I looked away. Did I have real reasons? “You ask like I have a list in my head. Maybe I just want to piss you off sometimes.”

“Sometimes you probably do,” he replied. “Just like I do to you.”

I glared at him, though without any real heat. “I knew it.”

His eyes moved in tiny increments, shifting as they looked at me, around me, through me. “It's because I said I love you. It's not the gay; it's the love.”

I partially turned away. “Why are you obsessed with me? Go face time your boyfriend.”

“I will. I'll tell him how my brother is being a nemernicul and that I wish he'd let me help him, because I love him.”

I looked away from him and wiped at one eye so he couldn't see. “Stop saying that. This is why Nate broke up with you.” I closed my eyes, feeling the sting of how mean I was being and yet not able to stop myself.

He was quiet a moment, and I thought maybe he'd padded away, but no. Not my Nik. “I thought I loved Nate.” He sat back down on my bed. “I think I do, but not like I used to. He wasn't you, but you two look so much alike it did make things confusing, though I didn't know it then.”

I kept myself from looking at him, feeling angry at myself for being mean for no reason, but unable to make myself say so to him.

“Nathan is very lovable. He's sweet, very good looking – better than you, certainly.”

“This is bullshit,” I muttered. “You know I'm better looking.”

As if I hadn't spoken, he continued. “He is a gentle soul, and I think that was part of the problem. He was too nice to say no.” He shifted on the bed, and I glanced at him. “He was right to break up with me. I didn't respect him. That was hard to learn. I'm still not really good at it, but I'm trying.”

Why was I fighting this? Why was I so afraid? What was I afraid of? By degrees I felt more and more tired.

“Matei.” I jumped, not having heard him get up and stand behind me. “Why are you still smoking?”

I nodded and wiped at my eyes, my arms finally feeling less like lead and more like just tired muscle. “I think...it's not just one thing. I think I sometimes need to do something. Sometimes I think I do it to make you mad. I...don't know.” I gritted my teeth. I should tell him. The counselor said I needed safe people, people to talk to. Yes, there is the family. Yes, there is Averi; but no one is Nik. No one else would care to pull me halfway around the world just because they love me.

I clenched my fist to match my jaw and took quick strides to my door, checking quickly to see there were no lurking papas, then closed it until it latched. I kept my hand on the door handle as I looked down. I didn't look at anything specific, just not at Nik.

“I am angry,” I said quietly.

After a moment he asked, “With me?”

I shook my head slowly, tears filling my eyes. “I am...always angry.” I wiped my eyes with more force than was needed. I saw him move in my peripheral vision and held a hand out to ward him off. “No. You wanted to know. Stand still and listen to me now.”

I half expected him to close the gap, ignoring my words and tone, but he didn't. I wasn't sure if I was relieved or not. The only thing that was clear was the anger; it I could recognize and define.

“You know what I did in Romania. For money. With men.”

Quietly he said, “That was-”

I shook my head. “Shut up.” I turned my head toward him but still didn't look at him. “You have to shut up and listen.”

I imagined I could hear him swallow. “Okay, Matei. I'm listening.”

After a moment, as if daring him to speak, I turned my head away from him again. “I...was abused. I didn't think that, not when I got here. It was...a trade. A choice.” I shook my head. “But I can see, a little, that I was at a disadvantage. I did things I didn't really want to with people I didn't want to. Sometimes...it was bad.” I shook my head slowly. A warm tear ran down to my chin, followed by another. It tickled just the slightest bit as the water dangled and then dropped.

“I'm not just mad sometimes, Nikolai. I feel...like I'm in water up to my chin. Like I have to stand on my toes to breathe. And then...the water comes up and covers my mouth and nose, and all I can think about is the anger. Of being forced. Of being humiliated. Of being hit if I didn't do what they wanted.” I shook my head slowly. “And then...I'd go out and do it again.”

“Matei....”

I turned my head slightly toward him. “No. I'm not done. You have to let me finish.”

Again I imagined I heard him swallow, that his tendons creaked as he nodded his head.

“The anger...is the water. Always there. Always ready. The shame swirls around me, like a full sewer waiting to overflow and drown me.” I straightened up and let go of the doorknob. I sniffed hard a few times and wiped at my eyes. Finally I looked to Nik, whose face was filled with such concern that I nearly gave in to sadness, to crying and flopping down to the floor, but I didn't. Maybe...I was too tired right then to be bothered with collapsing. The most I could do was turn away from his face.

“So, you see, Nikolai, I have 'anger issues'. I'm trying...but sometimes, smoking...makes me feel in control of something.”

His chin landed on my shoulder, though it was the only place we were touching. “Matei, you are a huge pain in the ass, and I love you. I would always choose for you to be my brother.”

Fat tears ran down my face. “But why?” I whispered.

“Because you are strange, and love is strange.”

I barked out a laugh and wiped my eyes before turning around. He studied my face and then leaned in just a bit and smiled. “Ah. There you are.”

I rolled my eyes and moved to the bed to sit. “What does that mean? I've been here the whole time.”

He leaned against my desk. “Do you know I talk about you in my own therapy sessions?”

I frowned. “Why?”

“Because I worry for you.” He waved his hand as if brushing the whole thing to one side. “One thing keeps coming up, and I want to tell you what it is.”

I was filled with a mix of hope and dread that both confused and frustrated me.

“One reason I love you so much is you taught me who I am.” He tilted his head as his gaze fixed me in place. “I can be myself with the family, but you and I share more. We have a past; yes, some of that is trauma. Not just trauma we lived through, but that we helped each other through. How many kids did we know? How many helped each other, and how many only cared for themselves?”

Still confused I shook my head. “I don't understand.”

He nodded and sat beside me. “We show different things to different people. When we were in Romania, we showed our true selves in taking care of each other. The smoking, the getting mad – those things aren't you. They are around what really is you, and sometimes – like a just a minute ago – I see you. Yes, you were hurting, but under that I can see your hope and beneath that is the joy you bring every day. It's why a pretty girl like Averi would put up with your nonsense.”

I snorted and looked away, not sure what to do with his words.

His shoulder touched mine as we sat side-by-side. “You will officially be my brother soon, but to me you have always been my familie. This adoption only tells the world what we are, because we already knew we were fratii.”

Brothers. We sat like that for a few minutes as I wrestled with everything he'd said. He was not the same person I'd known in the orphanage. Back then I'd been more of a leader between us, or so I'd thought. Maybe I'd felt stronger because of his silent strength and support than I'd thought?

“Nik...I'm afraid.”

“Matei fears nothing,” he said with a smile.

I smiled back, but weakly.

“At least not when it comes to priests or girls,” he amended. In a quieter tone he asked, “What scares you?”

I bit my lip, one last attempt to keep it to myself, and then I blurted, “That this will all fail. That the government will send me back – look at the new president! What if-”

“No,” Nik said firmly. He turned and grabbed my arm. “No. Everything is done. We see the judge Thursday, and he signs it. The lawyer said this is just a formality now. You will officially be Matei Buchanan, brother to Nik and Alexandru, son to Tom and Kevin. Matei has a huge family who loves him, even when he's a smoking nemernicul.”

I snorted, smiling in spite of myself and wiping my eyes.

“I'm still afraid.”

“I will stay with you, then, until you feel better.”

We got changed for bed, and I put on a movie in my room. We both stretched out, Nik a warm presence behind me. He put an arm around me and put his head down and fell asleep not long after the movie started. I thought about the impending court date and still worried, but...with Nik it didn't feel so impossible. Perhaps that feeling – what is possible – is another form of love. It wasn't just one thing you can point to, not if you're doing it properly.

It struck me then that love truly is strange. In many ways it's undefinable, without reason or rules, and yet there is no denying it exists and has strength as well as gentleness. While I love and am attracted to Averi, more than ever I knew I loved Nik as he held me to ward off my fear and remind me he's got my back.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

The next few days were...terrifying. I was angry and sad and tired, sometimes all at once. One thing I wasn't was alone. Nik was there, of course – he is a constant. Averi called in to work and just hung out with me; I'm not sure if Nik said something to her or if she picked up on my emotions on her own. Sasha and his funny idiot of a husband came over, and we had family board game nights. Micah...was suddenly interesting to me in a way he hadn't been before – or at all.

Micah was just one more face, one I didn't see often. Yet I couldn't help but notice the relationship between him and his papas. He wasn't even adopted, but he was theirs – no question. I wondered about that – the confidence, the belonging, simply...being sure.

Late at night, though, it made me angry. Why hadn't that been my life? Where was my papa? The one who never came for me. Where was my mama? Why had she never come for me? Why had I been left in the orphanage? Was it fate that brought Nik and I together? Were we fated to be brothers, but in order to be so we each had to suffer first? Was this to teach us the value of one another? It made no sense, and that lack of sense made me angrier.

Wednesday I was walking home, puffing on a vape, and trying to keep my chin above water. I was lost in my head, thoughts running in circles, and the only real change was that I grew more frustrated.

“Hey, Mat.”

I stopped short, surprised to have Sasha walking toward me from home. Shit. Now he was going to give me crap about smoking and probably tell papas. I put the vape in my pocket.

“Hello, Sasha,” I said carefully.

“I was walking over to the convenience store. Alec wants some hot fries, but he's banned from that store.” He rolled his eyes and smiled at me. “Want to walk with me? Maybe get a snack for tonight?”

“Free food? You're speaking my language,” I told him, feeling odd, but willing to play along.

“Ready for tomorrow? I know I am!” he said with a grin.

“I'm ready for it to be over,” I said, then looked at him. “Why are you ready?”

“I officially get another little brother, for one. For two, you'll be able to relax.” He gave me a secretive smile. “I don't think Nik will stop worrying for you, but he'll be much happier that everything is legal and final.”

I let out a slow breath. “Yes. I-”

“But of course the best part is how much better you've made things here. I was worried about my parents taking you in.” He leaned in a bit closer. “You might have noticed – they aren't young. I'm not supposed to tell them, but you know.”

I smiled and nodded, then frowned as the first thing he'd said hit my brain. It was like a delay, responding to the last thing he'd said first. “What do you mean by better?”

“For starters, my parents are the most giving people alive,” Sasha said with authority. “They poured so much love and effort into me and my brother. When Nik got here they did everything they could for him, but...there was a hole in his heart.” He bumped my shoulder with his. “You, of course.”

Heat rose in my face. “Not this again.”

He laughed at me. “I know, it gets a little embarrassing. But you did ask. So yes, you getting here also helped Nik to grow. To become more mature.”

I snorted. “Nik? You know another Nik?”

He laughed again. “Maturity isn't just one thing. He's finally found someone he cares about more than he does himself, and he's done everything to make sure he keeps you close. It takes a lot for someone to grow up enough to know there are things bigger than they are, and more so to fight against them anyway.”

“I...don't understand.”

“All of the pieces. Talking to Kale so that he'd call Mr. Preda. Once you got here, he threw himself into teaching you how to fit in and to stand out.”

“That's bullshit,” I said firmly. “You can't do both things at the same time.”

“You definitely can. Think of it this way. Everyone in the family that you've met stands out in their own way, yet they also fit into the family. That's you, too.” He put an arm around my shoulders, and my heart went cold for a few beats. It was too much like men I'd met before, but I didn't shake him off. “Not only will you be my brother as well, but you'll be an uncle to my son, so you have responsibilities as well – to be a good role model to him.”

I sighed. “Oh, shit. This is about the smoking.”

His fingers squeezed my shoulder for a moment and then were gone. I both missed the touch and was relieved it was gone.

“No one is perfect, Mat. I'm not asking you to try to be. Do I wish you didn't? Sure. Am I going to judge you and try to make you feel bad? No.” He cleared his throat. “Well, maybe judge a tiny bit.”

I sighed. “Nik is on my ass about it all the time.”

“Well, if you're as stubborn as your nephew, that only means you'll try to smoke two at a time instead of one,” he said with a laugh.

It felt strange for him to call Micah my nephew. Not bad, but strange.

“I know I should stop,” I said.

“I hope you do,” Sasha replied. “It's easier when you're younger, I'm told. After you have years of the habit built up...much harder. But maybe when you have some security, it'll be easier.”

Anger flared inside me. “Did Nik talk to you?”

“About you? Not really. I mean, he told me how well you're doing. How you've been going to counseling, how you help each other get through this adoption process. How you – though he says he doesn't know why – have managed to keep a pretty healthy relationship with a pretty girl? Sound familiar?”

I cleared my throat, but kept silent otherwise.

“If there is a problem or if you said something to Nik, outside of something that may hurt you, I don't think Nik would say anything to me. Not unless he was looking for some way to help you.” He squinted his eyes a bit. “He's pretty loyal to you.”

I sighed. “I'm doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

I swallowed, the words tasting bitter before I said them. “Letting my anger control me.”

“Oh. Yeah, that can be a real bitch.”

I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Don't look so surprised. Between your nephew and my husband, it's a miracle I haven't killed anyone,” Sasha said with a laugh. We arrived at the store and gathered up a few snacks before making our way back. I thought he'd go right back to whatever he was aiming to say before, but our walk back was quiet. Maybe he'd said what he'd planned? Or maybe there was no plan and I was just being touchy.

We sat up and played games until midnight, when papas claimed they were too old to stay up so late. We all went to bed, but I didn't sleep right away. I thought of how Sasha had placed his hand around my shoulder and how it had made me feel, thinking of a bad memory. How was anyone ever going to touch me if all I can think of is men putting their greedy hands on me? Sasha wouldn't do anything to me, not even if I were willing.

I berated myself for not being able to control my emotions, and that made me angry, so it took even longer for me to fall asleep. When I did sleep, I wished I hadn't. I was in Bucharest on a side street just off the main tourist areas. It was a space known for men looking for sex, and there was a mixed group waiting for them.

Unlike other dreams or when I'd actually been on this street, Nik was there. A man was walking him away, and I tried to call, tried to run to him. My heart pounded as I tried to reach him, but no matter what I did I could get no closer. The maddening feeling of frustration and helplessness caused me to wake with a violent jerk, sitting up and breathing hard. For a moment I was confused and distressed, and even though it was a dream, even though the edges of things seen in the dream were fuzzy, I stood on unsteady legs and made my way upstairs to verify Nik was asleep in his own bed.

With a steadying breath I opened his door. The room was too dark to see him, but like the annoyance he can be, he knew I was there.

“Are you okay?” he whispered. Without waiting for me to answer, he said, “Come on. I'll make room.”

I hesitated, but then gave in to my need to feel safe, if only for the moment. I climbed in beside him, pushing him over so that he grumbled and pushed back. Then we settled in, and this time sleep, when it came, was without dreams.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

I stood in front of the mirror in my room, preening for myself. It may be vain, but I looked good, and for once that didn't upset me. It was the context, I supposed; I was wearing a suit and the look wasn't sexy, even though it kind of was. But the intent wasn't to be sexy. The intent was to look like a proper young man; someone competent and trustworthy.

“Wow. You should wear a suit more often!”

I turned and smiled at my girlfriend, dressed in a flowing dress only tall girls seem to do really well. “They told me you were dressing up, so I had to go get something,” I said with a grin.

She approached me and patted my chest before brushing my shoulder and planting a small kiss on my cheek. “Well, you completely pulled it off.” She took her phone out, and we took a few pictures together before going to the living room. My papas were adjusting each other's ties and whatever else adults like to do last minute. One of them spotted Averi and me, and they made some quiet compliments, perhaps thinking I wouldn't appreciate any man telling me I looked good.

Of course, that didn't apply to Nik. “Wow! You look almost as good as Luke!”

I tried to stare angrily, but he laughed, and I couldn't keep it up. Moments later Sasha, Alec and Micah arrived. I was a little surprised to see Alec's parents behind them, closing the door.

“Starting to get a bit muggy out,” Alec's dad said.

“I once said that to Sasha, but he didn't get it,” Alec said, giving Sasha side-eye.

“You're not funny, no matter how many times Micah laughs at you.”

“I laugh because he's a moron,” Micah said, breaking from the adults and joining Averi, Nik and me. “You look like you're dressed for a funeral.”

“We are. Yours,” Nik replied.

“Okay. We should head over; we have to wait our turn, so we don't want to miss our first chance to get in there and get done!” Papas started getting us out to the cars, but again I was a little surprised as Micah's friends Carlo and Dominic were walking up the street with another boy I didn't know. Across the street a car door closed, and I turned as Nik called out to Luke, his brother Jared, and their friends Derry and Jack.

“Looks like you'll have some friends at the courthouse,” Averi whispered in my ear.

I nodded slowly. “I shouldn't be surprised.” I turned toward her and said in a low voice, “But I am.”

She took my hand, and we said hello, and then everyone got into cars to drive to the courthouse in Binghamton. The day was long, and while I should have felt relief, should have felt an unburdened happiness at the large group of people – people I knew who had traveled to be there to be a witness to my adoption – I felt alone inside. It felt...false. As if I couldn't put my faith into it. I put on a smile, and I laughed and hugged, and sometimes I even felt a bit better, but the core of me still whispered dark things.

It was exhausting.

There was a party at home afterward, with fewer people, as the courtroom took hours – mostly waiting. My time before the judge was swift and businesslike, something with all the passion of a company selling an asset to another. Mercifully the day came to an end, and everyone went home. I was left in my room. My suit was a bit rumpled, especially my shirt, which had come untucked. I straightened up and took a look at myself in the mirror, still liking what I saw.

“Oh no. He's going to fall in love with himself!” Nik said, throwing himself dramatically on my bed.

I snorted. “And why shouldn't I? I look good!”

He flopped onto his back, put his arm over his eyes, and let out a deep sigh. “Yes, a suit is definitely your look.”

I tilted my head, looking at him in the mirror. “You think so?”

He nodded, not moving his arm. “You looked smart and sexy. It was very unfair.”

My face felt warm, but I glanced at myself once more. “Maybe I need a job where I can wear a suit. What do you think?”

“Very distracting,” he said agreeably. “Although Luke looked fantastic. I can't wait for a dance, so he dresses up like that again.”

“Hey,” I protested. “Go back to how good I looked!”

He laughed and moved his arm to look at me. “You were clearly the star today. So many people. It was like the camping trip I told you about.”

I fingered one of the buttons on my dress shirt. “Do you think they will do that again? The camping trip?”

“I don't know. You want to go camping?”

I shrugged, never having thought of it.

I heard him moving, and I looked back to the mirror as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and rested his cheek next to mine, looking at me from the mirror.

“I know it's not over for you, frate. Today was just the beginning.”

I lifted my chin. “How do you know?”

He smiled, his cheek pressing into mine. “Because that's how I felt. It took me a long time to trust papas, because of the priests and nuns – adults, really. But now real life begins. Now you are American, and we are officially fraţii, even though we have always been in our hearts. Now you will slowly feel that everything I've promised you for a year wasn't just to try and get you to live here, and I will watch over you like you did for me.”

Perhaps it was the day, perhaps the accumulation of my time in the U.S., perhaps everything that had occurred since I'd seen Nik's face on the computer and realized I'd been lied to, that he wasn't dead. Maybe it was a spark of hope at the end of it all – or the beginning of it all. Either way, though my heart was beating hard, I was able to say it.

“I love you, Nikolai,” I said quietly.

“And I love you, frate. Welcome to the family, little brother.”

I snorted. “I am not the little brother.”

“I was here first,” he said teasingly.

I shook my head. “Pain in the ass.”

“Nemernicul.”

Idioticus Moronicus

“I'm not cleaning that up, Micah,” Sasha said with more than a little irritation.

“Okay, okay,” I sullenly replied. I still waited a beat before getting up and going to the kitchen to do the dishes. My dads had a rotating schedule for chores, and it wasn't unfair; I just didn't want to do them. In a completely serious way, my dads had no business trying to be parents. They weren't that old, they were still in school, and they had more homework than I did. I know I had more to do at home than Leo did, but then his parents were older and were really focused, as far as Leo, and now Reese, went; they wanted them to be educated so they could make a comfortable life for themselves.

My path is less clear. My dads just love me, and I don't know if there is a plan beyond just trying to keep me out of trouble. Sometimes it feels like that's all it is, anyway, and I have to wonder sometimes...why? I love my dads, but that took a while. I trust them as much as I trust anyone, and that also took a while – but it also feels fragile, sometimes. Like when there is an argument or things go bad, I always wonder if that was it. If that's going to be when they realize how dumb they were to do this, to even try when their own lives aren't exactly settled.

Sometimes it sends me spiraling into what my therapist calls 'self-sabotaging' behaviors. She explained that we sometimes 'fulfill our own prophecies' by acting in ways that create the situations that we fear most. I've been working on figuring out when I'm going into one of these self-sabotaging spirals before it gets out of control.

After I did the few dishes I'd been avoiding since the night before, I wandered into the living room, where Sasha was trying to do something on his laptop.

“Homework?” I asked.

“Project,” he said absently.

I shifted on my feet. “Dishes are done.”

“Thank you, Sweetheart,” he said, still distracted.

“Okay. Well, I'm going to go play with matches.”

He turned and raised an eyebrow. “I was listening.”

I smiled, just a little. “I'll go bug Uncle Lu.”

Looking back to his screen, he nodded. “Okay, Sweetheart.”

He always calls me something like 'Sweetheart'. It's kind of weird, because you'd think you'd say something like that to someone you're dating, but it's also...weirdly nice. I'm not sure I exactly like the way it feels nice, like maybe I'm strange for feeling that way. Feelings are weird. I didn't bother to put shoes on as I left our apartment and climbed the stairs to where Lu and Robin shared one bedroom and Dev and Griff shared another.

They're all pretty cool, but Griff is weird sometimes, because he likes to talk with me about whatever my therapist is talking about. Sometimes it almost feels like he's doing on the job training with my brain. I mean, not really – he never pushes, and he's fine if I don't want to talk. Sometimes I'm just tired of talking about whatever part of me is fucked up that needs work. Dev is low key funny, and I can relate to him, because the other three are doing four-year college degrees, while he's at the local community college, which I think might be my speed.

I mean, if I even go to college.

My Uncle Robin is interesting, because he's willing to talk about deep things that have happened to him, but he's also totally fine with us just running together or something. I never feel like I'm just tagging along with him, even if I probably am. I feel like I partly owe him for the gains I've had the past year as far as my body goes. I lift with Leo, but I run and do exercises with both of them. Rob's not a health freak, but he says keeping active is important to him and helps his mental health. I think I can relate.

Uncle Lu is totally different. Sometimes it's weird how he seems to be all about Robin, but then you realize he's been paying attention to everyone else, too. I love my girlfriend, but I don't think that's much compared to the way Lu is, like, one person with Rob. I don't think I'd want that. It seems so intense that I don't know how he knows who he is if Rob isn't there. Lu's also kind of a car guy, and I like the wrenching, even if I don't really know that much.

I tapped on the upstairs apartment door and waited for someone to call out to me. Just from the noises I hear through the ceiling, I'm pretty sure I don't want to walk in and see these guys turning the living room into a porn set.

“Yo!” A voice called out, so I opened the door.

“'Sup?” I said to Uncle Lu, who was sitting at the tiny kitchen table with an energy drink can and a half eaten sandwich next to him and his laptop open. “Oh, you have homework too?”

He closed the computer. “Just review. Escaping from my brother again, I see.”

I sat down at the table. “He's in class, and dad's working on a project.”

He let out a sigh. “Yeah, seems like there is always one of those around the corner.” He leaned back in his chair. “Was cool your friends came up to visit. What do you think of Carlo's boyfriend?”

I shrugged. “I don't really know him, but I didn't get any bad vibes from him. Carlo seems happy; I guess that's what matters.”

He nodded. “I gotta say, Micah, you're pretty impressive sometimes.”

I frowned. “Why?” I asked, my voice laced with suspicion.

“I mean, coming from a kid in such a bad situation, being afraid of the harm some guy might do to him, to accepting people around you. I mean, dealing with my brother is impressive enough, you know what I mean?” He held his hands out to either side and smiled.

“He's a lot of work.” I smiled, agreeing.

“But what I mean is, you didn't seem like you'd be okay with gay people, from what I'd heard about some things you'd said to Alec. But you've been fine with the whole family – gay, bi, straight. Some people can't handle a guy like Carlo.”

I glanced around the messy apartment. I didn't mind it – I guess messy is relative. Like, my grandparents' houses are pretty clean. But these were all college guys, and they weren't much neater than me, being honest.

“I don't get that,” I said, and then continued before he could reply. “I mean, yeah, when I was on the street I was in some bad spots, and I had to run more than once. Once I was sure I wasn't going to get away, so sure. I didn't know Alec, and I didn't want it up the ass from anyone, so I said something that really offended him.”

Lu leaned forward and laced his fingers together, but didn't speak.

“In the same spot, I'd probably say it again. Now I know gays and pedos are two different things, but from what I knew then, I'd say the same thing.” I shrugged. “I feel bad for Carlo. He's got friends and family, but he feels alone. Now...he's not so alone...I'm not sure if they'll last. Those things don't seem to.”

He nodded. “Sure. But if you think about it, what you just said is something you'd argue about at the beginning of the school year, before you and Jenna broke up the first time.”

I nodded, not wanting to head down that road. “What I mean is I know who Carlo is now, and he's a really good friend. He listens, and he doesn't judge me, but he's not afraid to call me out.”

“I guess that's kind of my point, Micah. People are obviously different, but there's a point where people become too different. That causes some people anxiety, and they push them away or make fun of them. You never did that, that I know of, and the result is you made a great friend. I think that speaks to your character, is all I'm saying.” He paused. “Not that you can't be a little shit.” He grinned.

“Yeah, yeah.” I hesitated. “Was it easy for you? I mean...coming out of the system? Living with Alec?”

He hummed and then chuckled. “I had my ups and downs. I was really down when Alec came along, and it just seems to go against his nature to leave someone like that. Say what you like about him, he's a good person, even if he shows it in sometimes weird ways.”

I snorted and curled the corners of my mouth in amusement.

He took a sip from his can and went quiet, maybe thinking about my question before he spoke again. “When Alec first spoke to me, I was in a dark place, physically and mentally. I was in a group home, my dad was dead, my mom was crazy, and my sister had betrayed me. Then Alec comes along with his...weird ways, I guess.” He looked up at me. “It took some time to trust him. He introduced me to people, and I had some instant status with them because of Alec, what he'd gone through at school and how he'd come through it.”

Quietly I asked, “You mean those guys that beat him up?”

Lu nodded. “In some ways, Alec seems like a force of nature.” He smiled. “A chaotic one, for sure, but still – a force.”

We shared a smile, and he leaned back again.

“Alec made this whirlwind happen around me, and sometimes I couldn't catch my breath, but then there were all these good people that became my extended family and of course Robin.”

“'Scuse me, I have to throw up.”

He laughed. “I know, we're that couple. It's not for everyone, but you know what? We earned it. Now our job is to keep it.”

I frowned. “Are you guys...?”

He chuckled. “No. We have our stuff, but no – we're solid.”

I let out a small breath as I nodded. “Hard to imagine you guys breaking up.”

“Totally. What I meant was relationships need maintenance like everything else. But back to your question...at the time it didn't feel easy. Some situations, events, emotions...they felt like they were huge. And they were, from where I was back then.” He tilted his head and gave a little smile. “Alec always treated them like they were as important as I thought they were, but he could also slow things down so you could think and maybe realize they weren't quite the emergency you thought they were. He usually did that through distraction, doing something fun and goofy, but you probably know that.” He grinned, and I nodded. “Most of all he was just there, and that has its own comfort, despite the chaos.”

I swallowed. “Why do you think he did it? Helped you?”

“Oh, well at first it was because the principal asked him to. A buddy system kind of thing. But...he's got a big heart. The only thing as big as his heart is his desire to cause trouble, so he's always in trouble for good and bad reasons.” Lu grinned, and I chuckled.

“Seems weird. Just to care about people you don't know.”

Lu nodded slowly. “Empathy is tough. My dad says, and I think he's right, that people have always had some trouble with empathy. Like, it's easier for people to understand when it happens to them or it impacts their life. Like, think about when we play games online and all the trolls and shit talking, right? Not only do they not care about the hurt they might inflict being assholes, but those people don't know how to deal with things when something happens in the real world. Sometimes something you say online will get your teeth rattled in public. So yeah, maybe at first he wouldn't have helped or thought to, but once he met me – once he met you – there was no way he wasn't going to help.”

“Now...he thinks he's going to help other people,” I said, my tone less derisive than it usually is when I talk about Alec being a social worker.

He chuckled. “Do you honestly think a guy like Alec will have no impact?”

I shrugged, and a smile escaped me. “He could make things worse?”

He laughed loudly. “Well, probably somewhere.” He shook his head. “I figure he'll try too hard and get into trouble. That might be where things get worse. We'll see.”

“Can I have one of those?” I asked, pointing to the energy drink.

“Fridge,” he replied.

I got up and grabbed a can, all the while feeling odd. It was like having something on the tip of your tongue but not being able to say it or form the thought in your head. I popped the tab and turned toward Lu, taking a drink and then leaning back against the counter.

“So you think Alec does everything because he has a big heart? I mean, when he's not pranking or something?”

He shook his head. “Nah. That's too small for most people, let alone Alec. I just think when something gets to his heart, he's going to go all out. Like me, like you, like Sasha or any of the family.”

In a quiet voice I said, “That's a lot of people.”

“Sure.” He bobbed his head. “But it's not like it's all the time, right? Like, everyone needs time for their own needs, too. It's not like everyone is in constant crisis and needs his help. I'm just saying he'll do what he can, and sometimes that's pretty huge.” He tilted his head. “He'd be annoyed, but you can count on him.”

I snorted, smiling. “I should tell him that just to watch him cringe.” We shared a laugh, thinking about Alec and his aversion to responsibility – or at least the idea of it.

“How's things with Jenna?”

“Good,” I said, resuming my seat. “Neither one of us likes that we won't see each other over the summer, really. If anyone has a reason to come up I'll tag along, but it sucks ass.”

“Don't knock it till you try it,” Lu said with a wink.

“Bruh,” I said, making a face and laughing all at once. “No. Not happening.”

He laughed at me. “Yeah, I tell you what, I get it. Robin and I were inseparable once we got together.”

I turned the can around with my fingertips. “I wonder if we'll change over the summer. Maybe not fit too well when school starts up again.”

“It's possible,” he conceded. “Summer breaks the school cycle and the routines you're in. You have different experiences, and sometimes that changes how you see things.”

“Except for you and Uncle Rob, right?” I grinned.

“No, no,” he replied, shaking his head. “We've had our disagreements. Hell, one time I thought he was cheating, and I drove all the way up to Albany to see Alec!”

I dropped my jaw. “For real?”

He nodded. “Not my best move. The idea of losing Robin was too much, and I ran to my safe place.”

I shook my head. “I can't imagine that.”

“Well, it just proves what I'm saying; people change. Robin and I were still learning to trust each other.”

I tilted my head. “You going to have kids?”

He snorted. “I don't think so.”

“You're kind of good at advice and stuff, though.”

He shrugged. “Maybe you're just more open to it because I'm not one of your dads. It's different. Alec could say the same thing to you I do, and you'd probably call him a moron.”

“Facts,” I agreed, grinning.

“Besides, it's easy to talk things through with someone once in a while and then go back to what I have – just Robin and me. It's different when you commit to being there for someone all the time, like you should for a kid.”

That seemed to go back to my thought downstairs, where I had no idea why they'd try taking me on, to commit with them not even out of college. Randomly I thought of a conversation I'd had with Carlo and how I told him I felt like I had a connection with Alec that was beyond who we were right now. I'd wondered about that on and off, wondering if it had something to do with fate or some god I didn't really believe in. “Do you believe in God?”

He pressed his lips together and shook his head. “No. It's not for me.”

I shifted in my chair. “Doesn't Uncle Robin?”

He nodded. “That has a place in his life, something that's important to him. We've talked about it, and it's one of those things that we don't agree on.”

I frowned a bit. “How?”

“How do we disagree?”

I shook my head. “The whole God thing seems to be this big thing in people's lives. Just seems like a big deal if one believes and the other doesn't.”

“It can be for some, I guess. Depends on what flavor of a god you believe in, I'd imagine. There's so many different ideas about gods around the world, and they all think they're right. Robin...feels comforted by the idea of something benevolent out there that cares about each of us. It doesn't make sense to me, from my own experiences, but he's not hurting anyone by feeling that way, and he doesn't mind that I don't feel that.” He looked away and then back. “Well, he does wish I could get that comfort he feels, but I get that from other places, so...”

I nodded, thinking. “What about, like, fate?”

“Do I believe in that? Uh, no. Can't say I do. We just...we get one life, and the things that happen are the things that happen. I don't think there is a deity or some cosmic being that influences things.”

Thinking of my dreams, the ones where I feel like I have some unseen connection to Alec that I don't understand – can't understand – I pressed on. “What about things that we can't explain?”

He nodded slowly, pressing his lower lip up a bit. “For me, it's like this. For a long time people used the divine to explain things they didn't understand. They invented pantheons of gods to pray to, they made sacrifices, and they burned incense and whatever else. They made up rules about things you couldn't do or say because it would offend a god, and if things went wrong, it was never the gods' fault. It was always some failing of the human worshipers. A lot of people still carry that shit around today.”

I thought for a second. “I don't think I really know anyone super religious. There are kids that wear crosses and stuff and say preachy things sometimes, but I don't really know them.”

“Some people are raised in a religion, but never really absorb it; they just like belonging to a group. It might not be until they do or say something that goes against the group, and they get pushed out or to the fringes that they question it. Sometimes they don't question it even then, but just double down to get back into the group,” he said with a chuckle. “Anyway, my point is that just because we don't understand something or can't explain it doesn't mean a deity did it. I have no idea how my cell works, but that doesn't mean there's a tiny god inside it making it do things.”

I nodded slowly. I guess my feeling of connection could be something I can't really explain, but maybe it's just something my mind is doing to me or maybe something I can't really explain.

“So. Something must be on your mind with all this god and fate talk. Want to give me a clue?”

I took a drink and then snorted at myself, smiling. “It's kind of stupid. I just...I remember little bits of a dream, sometimes. In it I feel like I kind of know Alec. Like we met before or something – and I know how weird that is, because we never met.”

He nodded. “You know, we don't understand all of the human brain. I think someone once said something like if the brain was so simple we could understand it, we would be too simple to understand.”

I twisted my features and laughed a little. “Meaning what?”

“Just basically that the brain is super complex and that if it were really easy to understand, we'd be idiots.” He waved a hand. “The point is, there is this whole spectrum of brain operation that we know about now – even though some people try to say we don't. Like autism. We understand now it's a kind of brain function that isn't average. Like, you and me? Our brains process things the way most people do. But some people process things in a way that's non-verbal, or they process things in colors rather than writing. With me so far?”

Sarcastically I said, “Sure, I'm blue.”

He tilted his head. “I'm going to smack you.”

I laughed at him.

“My point is, because we understand brain function so little, and because not all brains work exactly the same way, there could be some people that can do some version of telepathy, maybe. There's a study out there about people and animals and how pets communicate with owners. Sometimes it's sort of obvious, like when a dog hits its food dish or water bowl to let the owner know it's empty. But in the case of non-verbal people, sometimes there's some circumstantial evidence that there is a form of telepathy that goes on between animal and human – humans with a certain brain type.”

“So...you're saying maybe...my brain and Alec's....?”

“Are demented? Yes. Yes, I am.” I rolled my eyes, and he laughed. “What I'm saying is that if you have this feeling, it could be caused by something we don't understand yet, or it could be your subconscious trying to help you feel secure. Like maybe you're secure with Alec on a level your waking mind isn't yet. I mean, Micah, you've got good reasons for trust issues.”

“I mean, yeah...but I do trust.” I felt a pang of unease, like saying that was admitting to a fault.

“Sure. When people earn it, as it should be.” He leaned forward. “Tell me about this feeling, though, of knowing him. What do you remember from these dreams?”

I shifted in my chair and took another drink. “It's...not like a movie in my head or anything. It's more like this...feeling. This...idea that we almost didn't meet.”

“Huh,” he said and crossed his arms.

“What?”

“What?”

I frowned. “It seems like you thought of something. What was it?”

“Just something curious,” he replied and picked up his phone and tapped out a message. I was a little annoyed that he wasn't just telling me. Setting the phone down, he asked, “Did anyone ever tell you about the time Alec got stabbed?”

I stared at him for a moment and then widened my eyes as I realized he wasn't joking. “Stabbed? Like for real?”

He pressed his lips together and nodded his head. “Was one of the scariest things I ever watched someone go through. I thought he was going to die, not going to lie.”

I leaned forward. “What happened?”

He was quiet for a moment, and I tried to be patient. I guess it's kind of weird to be sitting on the edge of your seat to hear gory details, but this was a story about Alec I didn't know, and I was kind of surprised no one had brought it up.

“So...it was near the holidays, and Alec went down to the convenience store to get some late night snacks. While he was standing in line...” His lips curled into a little smile, and he looked at me. “It's almost funny when Alec tells it. I mean it wasn't then, but now – knowing he's okay – it's almost funny.” He cleared his throat and put his forearms on the table. “Alec says he was in line to pay when this guy pulled a big knife and was threatening the clerk, trying to rob the place.”

“Holy shit!”

“Right?” He bobbed his head. “So this kid was sort of zoned out with his headphones on, and Alec pushed him back toward his dad, and then he's standing near the guy with the knife, trying to talk him down.”

“Moron,” I said quietly, knowing it sounded like something he'd do.

“Alec had a jar of salsa that got dropped when he grabbed that kid or something – when he tells the story he always bitches about the salsa, like it was the important part.” He snickered, and I smiled. “Anyway. Alec said he slipped on the salsa on the floor and the guy was waving the knife, and that's how he got stabbed. It was bad.”

Any bit of the smile that had been on my face melted as I watched Uncle Lu's face go still in a way I've never seen from him before. When he spoke again, his tone was much lower and held no amusement.

“The police got to our parents first.” He smiled without humor. “Alec likes to say they knew who to call, because he and the police had a working relationship, so kind of like professional courtesy.”

I puffed some air from my nose in amusement but couldn't muster a smile. He opened his mouth to continue but stopped, his eyes moving to the door as we heard someone coming up the stairs. A moment later there was a tap on the door and it opened, revealing Sasha.

“Lu,” he chided, but smiling. “Don't spoil him with energy drinks. You're the worst, getting him all wound up before you send him home.”

He walked over to the table to join us as Lu said he never noticed me getting a drink and that I stole it. I called him a liar, and we traded a couple verbal jabs before things calmed back down.

“So.” Sasha looked at each of us.

“I was just talking about where Alec said the cops called his folks since he was professionally known to them.”

Sasha smiled and rolled his eyes before looking at me. “You know how he is.”

I smiled back and nodded my head. “So he was hurt pretty bad?”

Sasha pressed his lips together and crossed his arms. “It was bad. They got him to the hospital, and he had a surgery right away, but there was some internal bleeding that wasn't caught during the first surgery, and he was very slowly bleeding out overnight.” He shook his head. “A lot of us were at the hospital. Some of us...sort of remember having strange dreams.” He closed his eyes. “Or maybe just feelings that we couldn't explain other than having been so tired and worried. We didn't have any place for that energy to go, and then the mind makes up its own things.” He opened his eyes and looked back at me with a little smile. “Of course, some things are easier to explain than others.”

I glanced at Lu and then back to Sasha. “Like what?”

Lu let out a breath. “I feel like I was wrapped up in the idea he was going to die,” he said quietly. “My mind was making up how things would be without him. How he was the snot gluing everything together.” He snorted and his mouth turned up in a smile. “All I can really recall is the feeling of telling him I loved him before he was gone.” He looked up at me. “But the strongest thing I remember is how hollow I felt, thinking he was dying. As it happens, he was.”

I looked from him to Sasha and back. “But he was okay.”

“Later he was, yes,” Sasha said. “Early in the morning his blood pressure dropped, and they rushed him back into surgery and found the internal bleed. But during the night, when we were all sleeping in waiting room chairs...he was slipping away.”

A hollow space opened up inside me at the thought of Alec not being here, dying over buying snacks. My mind quickly tumbled through the number of people that would have been hurt, and I'd have been at the top of the list. If he'd died, I don't know where I'd be right now. I swallowed.

“That's...I don't even know.”

“Trust me, we felt a lot of that,” Lu said.

“You've heard about that camping trip, though?” Sasha asked, with a little smile, and I nodded in response. “When he woke up, of course he started talking right away.” He rolled his eyes. “He wanted us all to go camping, to get everyone together in one place – the whole family. Or the whole family at the time.”

“At the time? Did people leave?”

“Well, I'd say they more became like...distant cousins,” Lu said. “Like, Elliot was dating this guy, Colby, and they broke up. Colby was going to forestry school instead of following Elliot to New York City and...you know, he's kind of doing his own thing. No hate for the guy – sometimes people just don't end up in the same place.”

“Of course, the family also got new people, like you and Mat.” Sasha smiled at me, and I felt self-conscious.

“I don't know...if he'd died....”

“Yeah,” Sasha said softly. “There was something...unexplainable...that happened during all of that.”

“You mean the dreams?” I asked.

“Not really. We can find reasonable explanations for those – being overtired, worried and stressed. The brain will sometimes give us dreams that have no bearing on anything,” Sasha looked at me, and I got the idea he was studying my face, though I couldn't think why. “While he was asleep, still under some of the effects of the anesthesia, he would talk.”

I smiled. “Did he talk as much crap when he was asleep as he does when he's awake?”

Lu laughed, and Sasha smiled before he replied. “Most of what he said wasn't more than mumbles or weird noises.”

“Kind of like when he's awake,” Lu said with a grin.

“But...once in a while he said something I could understand. A name.” Sasha looked at me. “One thing I asked him when he woke up was 'Who is Micah?' because that was the name.”

I stared at Sasha and then to Lu. “Is this...kind of a shitty joke.”

Lu shook his head. “I heard it too, once.” He tilted his head. “Once we heard about you – you remember, Alec did that video call between you and me?” I nodded. “We knew you were someone he was going to move mountains to help. But when we found out your name...it just seemed like there was something big going on. Like I said, I don't believe in a god or fate, but maybe there is some kind of mental link between some people that we don't understand, haven't discovered and maybe never will.”

Slowly I said, “Because if it were that simple, we'd be too simple to understand?”

He smiled. “Yeah, like that. It could be nothing more than this random thing that happened. I mean what if your name had been Michael and Alec was mumbling Micah? For all we know Alec was dreaming about minerals since we all know he has rocks in his head.”

I sat back, my emotions all over the place. My mind swirled with what could have happened to me if Alec had died, and I felt fear, confusion and shame. The fear and confusion were something I could understand; I'd been on a bad path, and that was a lot easier to see from where I was now. There are a lot of people that are shit and will take advantage of you, and I think I learned that lesson the hard way. I think I sometimes do that because it feels like that's how the world works, but I can see better ways through my family and friends. People that have taken the time to let me get comfortable with them, to trust them. Maybe even protected me while I grew a little.

But there was shame, too. Shame at the feeling of selfishness that I was relieved about Alec for my own needs. Because if that moron hadn't stuck around to help me, I would be worse off, and I felt selfish for wanting him to be around just for me, because my chances were better with him than without him.

“Hey. You okay?” Lu asked.

I wiped at my eyes.

“Sweetheart,” Sasha said softly and got up from his chair to hug me. I hugged him back, trying to find a way to balance myself in the middle of all these strong emotions. I didn't feel like I could explain any of this to Sasha and not sound like a selfish asshole, so I didn't say anything. I just accepted the hug and they let things go that I was just shaken by the idea that Alec had almost died, even though I hadn't known him at the time.

Later that day I wandered over to the local ice cream stand that had opened for the season to meet Jenna. We hung out for a while, and I felt a bit more normal afterward. She and I spend a lot of time together, though now it was with this weird thing over us about being apart all summer.

“It really sucks your dads go so far away after school ends,” she said.

“Yeah,” I agreed glumly.

“I wish they lived here all the time, or your bio parents had.” She sighed. “I know, stupid and selfish.”

I covered her hand with mine. “I'd never have met you if it wasn't because of Alec.”

She looked at me with some sympathy. “I know. I guess-”

“I found out today he almost died not that long before I met him. It really left me shook, Jenna.” I swallowed, and she tightened her grip on my hand.

“I guess...I can understand that. It's scary to think about one of your parents dying.”

I shook my head. “You don't understand.” I sighed. “I don't know what would have happened to me if he'd died. Once I'd gotten picked up by the cops, as long as no one raped and killed me first or something like that, I'd have been back in a group home or maybe some lock-up facility, since I'd run away already. Bad shit happens in those places.” I swallowed. “Maybe instead of thinking about going to college later, I'd be picking out a cell after doing some fucked up shit somewhere.”

She swallowed. “Not you. You wouldn't-”

“Yeah,” I said, closing my eyes. “I probably would.” Opening my eyes to look at her, I said, “You don't know what it's like. Sometimes I think...I don't know what I think.”

She waited a moment and then said, “Well, can I tell you what I think?”

I smiled at her. “Don't you always?”

“It's because I'm smart,” she teased. “I think some people change you. I never pushed back that hard on my mom until we started dating. I can't think of a single boy in our class that would have given me his sweatshirt when I had my period to keep me from being humiliated.” She rolled her eyes. “I think most boys would have pointed and laughed.”

“Yeah. I can think of a few.”

“I know that's not as big a thing as what your dads are doing for you, but I get the idea. And...yeah, it's scary to think what happens to people when others don't treat them as people.”

“Or like ashtrays,” I muttered.

“Yeah,” she said softly. “But there's a reason you trust your dads, now. I'm glad they're doing what they are with you, too. I mean...most of the time. When you're not being a shit.”

“Oh, like when I just paid for your ice cream? Like that?” I teased. She laughed and curled into me and I put my arm around her, inhaling her scent and enjoying the way she felt pressed to me. By the time I walked her home and headed back to my house, I was feeling a little better. Not normal, not at all, but a little better. The idea that Alec had come so close to dying, to never finding me, had shaken me down deep in ways that left me feeling really unsettled. I wondered about gods and fate and the idea of one brain reaching out to another somehow – or was there something else? Was there some cosmic thread or some universal mind that had decided I'd been screwed enough and altered things so Alec would find me?

Even that sounds selfish when you think about all the kids who never get helped. Why would I be special enough to have some...god or whatever help me out? I think that kind of makes Lu's point, in a way. How would anyone – anything – pick and choose who gets help and who doesn't? Who lives easy lives and who starves on the daily? Who starts out rough and then gets loved? Who starts out loved and then loses it all?

I really didn't know. I'm not sure I want to know, honestly.

I closed the door to our apartment and toed my shoes off. I could smell dinner in the kitchen, and I wondered again why my dads chose this – chose me. Then I saw them in the kitchen. A small kiss and a hug, and I didn't feel the need to make puking noises or otherwise tell them they were gross. Maybe it's maturity or maybe it was just the day, but I saw two people that loved each other and loved me, and I suddenly didn't think it needed to be more complicated than that.

“Yo,” I said, entering the room.

“Oh, shit!” Alec mimed trying to zip his pants up, and I laughed at him. He grinned and started to ask how I was, and I latched onto him, biggest hug I could give. “Whoa! What-”

“Shut up, Dad!” I said and tried to hug him harder. He hugged me back, lifting me up a little. Not as much as he did when I was younger, since I was tall enough to keep my feet on the ground now unless he tilted back. He started to set me down, and I let him go – and he didn't loosen his grip.

“Dad.”

“What?”

“Why are you crushing me?”

“Reverse Heimlich?”

I laughed and hugged him again, and this time he let me go. Sasha was looking at us in one of those emotional ways and I went to him, too. As much as Alec started things, Sasha did a lot.

“I need a shower. How long before dinner's ready?” I asked.

“You sure do. Did you go swimming in shit or something? Pew!” Alec said, waving his hand.

“About twenty minutes,” Sasha said with a roll of his eyes.

As I walked away I looked at Alec. “Moron.”

And he is. He's in college and trying to raise me, so what else could he be? That's okay. He's my moron and one of my dads; he can be both.