The Last Stand of Haviland Dinwiddie

Chapter 10

By Dabeagle

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“Bruh.” He shook his head. “Some people.”

I gave him a weak smile; I was tired of it all. Is this what I'd been missing out on all this time? I'd seen and had some drama in school, but it had all felt minor compared to my home life. How do people go through day after day of people trying to force what they want on others – or is that what it's really all about? Is that what life is? Others trying to get more?

“Rigby? Would you come here a moment?”

I glanced up at the teacher as Rigby went up to him. Idly I wondered what the teacher could want. I turned my attention to the window, studying the gray sky and wondering if we were supposed to get snow or if it was just going to be overcast. I figured we'd have to shovel the sidewalks and wondered if I'd have a morning shift if that happened and if I should stop in to ask Sandy.

Rigby returned to his seat, and the class picked up. The teacher was laying out the next few weeks with us, the material we'd be covering and navigating around the upcoming Thanksgiving break. I was surprised that he was still talking right up until the bell rang to end the class, because it didn't seem like he'd really said much – more like he said the same thing eighty different ways, so that the thirty-four kids in his class couldn't say they hadn't understood.

I shouldered my bag and glanced at Rigby. “Where's detention?”

“Come on,” he said. I followed him into the hallway and down to the first floor. We went down the wing to the gym and walked into the large, echoing room where a group of ten to twelve people were talking or looking around aimlessly. A gym coach was taking names as people arrived and comparing them to his list.

“Do we not even sit down somewhere?” I asked Rigby.

He shook his head. “Usually they just make you wait long enough that the busses leave. It's just an annoyance for people that walk or have cars; kids who ride the bus get kind of screwed.”

“Classy. What did the teacher want?”

He turned toward me, looking a bit distracted. “Huh?”

“Our English teacher? He called you up at the beginning of class?”

“Oh, that. Uh, he was just checking in and asking why I hadn't turned anything in this week. Didn't want me to fall behind.”

“Oh. We can get that caught up today though, right?”

He shrugged and grunted. I started to feel a bit uncomfortable. It felt like there might be something bothering him that he wasn't telling me. I started to think about the problems with Kate and Amanda, and just like that the two walked in. They were loud and were told to quiet down, though I think their voices were simply at a pitch that traveled well. The bell rang, and moments later the sound of diesel engines revving up could be heard; the busses were leaving.

“Okay. I need to sweep the gym, so you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here,” the coach said, waving his list at us as if to sweep us away. We filed out, and of course Kate had to try and say something, but the coach had followed us just outside the door, and he told her to close her mouth and go home. She said something back to him, stopping to square up, and I just kept walking. I wanted no part of any member of the coven.

We got into the car, and I was getting in line behind the few cars still leaving when Rigby spoke up. “You ever go up to the falls?”

“Falls?” I asked, distracted as someone ran in front of my car, threading their way through the slow-moving traffic.

“Yeah. Town's name is Serenity Falls. We have a waterfall.”

“Someone's cranky,” I said. “No, never been.”

“Take a left out of the lot,” he said.

I glanced at him, but he was unreadable, at least to me. Feeling anxious, I did as he said. He directed me along the edge of the town, crossing a small bridge across a river I hadn't seen before. I'd never explored the town more than to go where I'd needed to go, except when running, and I'd never come out this far. We followed the river, and when the main road curved away, we turned up onto a narrow road that climbed up through thick stands of trees.

The road leveled out and opened into a parking area. I parked the car and climbed out with Rigby, following him as he headed to a paved trail, where there was a wooden sign with an arrow pointing ahead to Serenity Falls. Beside it was a metal plaque telling the history of the falls, but I didn't stop to read as Rigby set off down the path.

I was concerned with his demeanor, and that was making me more anxious as we walked. I wanted to say something, anything, but I was afraid I didn't know what was okay to say. Should I say something about the coven? Apologize for getting him caught up? I lengthened my stride to catch up to him as we moved along the wooded path with the sound of rushing water muted by the leafy growth. Then, almost like a movie scene, the trees ended, and the water grew louder.

We walked out onto a wooden bridge with high, fenced sides. The falls were clearly visible, and up above the falls were the ruins of a structure.

“Wow,” I said, moving to the fence and looking at the rushing water that broke over two small rock shelves before crashing into the river below, making white foam.

“There used to be a mill up on the top,” Rigby said. “Used to be two in town – big ones. They all closed up a long time ago. If you follow this path up and then cut through a dirt path through the trees, you can get to the old building up there. Kids go up to smoke and drink.”

I gave him an anxious smile. “It's what you do before you can drive fast or fuck.”

He shrugged. “Sometimes people fuck up there too.” He turned toward me quickly, and I was startled. I took an awkward step back and partially raised a hand. He frowned for a second and then took a step back. “Jesus, E. I'm not going to hit you.”

I swallowed and shook my shoulders out. “Yeah. Um. Just startled me.”

He put a hand to his forehead and rubbed it, then his eyebrow and finally one of his eyes. “Why are you doing my homework for me?”

“I...what?” I was completely off balance. Of all the directions I thought he might potentially go with a conversation that he seemed to want to have privately, this wasn't one I'd seen coming.

He dropped his hand and fixed me with a look. “I know it's you. How? Why?”

I swallowed, and my tongue felt a bit too large for my mouth. I struggled to form words. “Well,” I said, sounding to myself like I had marbles in my mouth, “you...remember when you asked to borrow my laptop? Like...first day I was here?”

He frowned and looked past me for a moment and then returned his gaze to me. “Yeah, I think so.”

I shifted my shoulders restlessly. “Well. It, uh, stored your login. Like...if you clicked into the box, it'd give me both our logins to choose from.”

His mouth opened just a bit, and he nodded slowly, then rubbed the end of his nose with his finger. “But...why?”

I let out a confused breath. “Because you showed me your house. You told me sometimes you don't have power, and you have an extension cord that hangs from your ceiling. You said sometimes someone steals the damn cord and you have no power, so you couldn't plug in your laptop if you wanted to.”

His expression relaxed a little bit. “So. You helped.”

I flapped my arms. “Of course I helped, Rig! I saw you were behind, and I just...didn't want you to fail.”

He looked away and then took a few steps over to the fence, looking down away from the falls at the river far below. I moved to stand near him, but not beside him. I still felt anxious and wasn't sure why he would be upset at what I'd done. My ever present anxiety thrummed like electric current under my skin.

“How did you...how did you figure out it was me?”

He looked down at the water in silence for a moment before answering. “I figured it out in class this afternoon. The teacher had my assignments open, and most of them hadn't been turned in this week – nothing on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. Then, like magic, two of them were turned in yesterday.” He glanced at me. “When you started to feel better.”

“Oh,” I said softly. I guess that was kind of dumb.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

I shrugged. “I don't know.”

He turned toward me and put his hands in his pockets. “Harvey. Are you gay?”

My throat felt like it was swelling. I tried to swallow, but I couldn't get my throat to move.

Rigby glanced away and shook his head. “I wasn't really wondering before this afternoon. Amanda said that shit, and Kate. I know they don't have two brain cells between them. But then you're doing my homework. We're together all the time, and you haven't said one thing about liking any girl.” He looked back to me, and his eyes looked wet. “And it makes me.” His breath hitched. “It makes me wonder if...are we really friends? Or is this all because you like me?”

I opened my mouth, struggling to speak.

“Just...tell me! Are you gay?” he demanded, raising his voice.

“Yes,” I gasped, struggling to breathe.

He looked heartbroken. My heart felt like it was shriveling inside my chest.

“Then...what? You saw me and...you've just been...what?”

I shook my head, feeling like my neck would snap. “No. No!”

He pressed his lips together. “E. Be honest! Did you just see me and-”

“No!” I yelled. “For...fuck's sake, no!”

“So you don't like me?”

I worked my mouth a moment. “Of...of course, I like you, Rigby,” I said, my voice trailing to a whisper.

He shifted on his feet and looked toward the falls, his gaze not coming back to me. “So. You saw me and this is all just...nothing.”

It hurt that he thought this was nothing, but unexpectedly I started to feel angry. That he thought me being gay meant I would just pretend so I could be around him? That I was so small that I'd just spend all my time trying to be near someone that wouldn't want me, that I didn't like who he was?

“This is bullshit,” I said, then cleared my throat.

“It is.”

I shook my head. “No. Fuck you, it's not that simple.”

He turned his gaze to me. “Okay then. Explain like I'm stupid.”

I gritted my teeth as my anxiety, fear and anger rolled up into one mess of bile in my stomach. “First, this whole thing about I just saw you and wanted you so I've been pretending to be your friend? Rigby, when I first saw you you were screaming, red in the face, with a buzz cut that made you look like an infected ball sack!”

His jaw dropped slightly, and his eyes widened. “I...wait, what?”

Riding my anger, I opened my eyes wide as I leaned toward him. “School office? Screaming at your ex?”

He worked his mouth a moment, looking somewhat confused, and then his face began to flush. “I kind of forgot that's when you first saw me. Okay, I wasn't at my finest.” He glared. “An infected ballsack?”

I let out a sharp breath, trying not to laugh at the absurdity. “I guess maybe more like a kiwi fruit.”

He crossed his arms. “I made a buzz cut look tuff.”

I shook my head and frowned. “Why are you focused on that? You were just yelling at me-”

He flung his arms wide and raised his voice. “Because my best friend loves me, and I don't know what to do with that!”

My heart stopped and then began beating irregularly, or so I imagined. “I...I never...I...said....”

He held up a finger. “Someone who loves you isn't in it just for themselves. You're not in this with me just for you. Doing my homework doesn't help you at all. Reading things for classes you don't have doesn't help you at all. You do that for me.”

I shifted on my feet. “Well, that doesn't-”

He held up another finger. “Someone who loves you makes you feel safe. I feel safer with you than anyone. Why? Partially because someone who loves you has your back. My back. Not just something like school, but when that cop was going to snag me up, you straight up lied to him and protected me.”

“I don't like cops,” I mumbled.

He held up another finger. “Someone who loves you sees you and accepts you for who you are.” He let out a scoff. “I'm dirt fucking poor. I get my power turned off. I have a learning disability.” The derision in that statement was painful to hear. “My own parents could give a shit. I can't do anything for you, but you never say anything to point that shit out. In fact you've gone to bat to help me with my disability more than my parents have.”

I swallowed and wrapped one hand around the other. “...well-”

“Those are just the things you said, E. Your words.”

I frowned in thought. “What things I said?”

He swallowed. “Things people do when they love someone.”

My mind churned slowly and painfully, like a cement mixer. I thought back to our conversation, that weird talk about what love is. I looked up at him. “I thought...we were just talking.”

“Was that just talk, E?” he asked quietly. “'Cause I was listening. I was hearing someone talking about me like it didn't matter I was poor and saying that my face card didn't equal my value.” He took a half step back. “I heard that I had value.” He snorted and shook his head. “I never got that down on myself, I didn't think. I was just a realist, I figured. I was going to try and avoid the odds, like getting a baby on someone, anchoring myself down before I could see how fucked up the wider world really was.”

I frowned. “Rigby, you have value.”

“Shut up, E. I'm talking now,” he said. “You had your turn that night, and you filled my head.” He started to shuffle restlessly. “For two weeks I've been walking around with this...this light in my brain. This whole new idea about how people maybe see me. How these leeches just want to ride my back, even though I don't have anything.” He looked up at me. “I'm walking around slowly thinking after seventeen years, I actually have the best friend I've ever had – could ever want! He listens to me. He gets me. He tries to look out for me.” He swallowed. “He trusts me with things. Terrible things. Now he wants to stand here and try to say he doesn't love me?”

I took in a shuddering breath. “I'm afraid.” This came out stronger than I'd thought it might.

He cocked his head. “Of me?”

I pushed a breath through my nose. “Of everything.” I looked toward the falls just so I couldn't see his face. “Yes, I love you. No, I never would have told you. No, I'm not your friend to try and f-fuck you. I spend all..I'm always a-anxious.” I stuffed my trembling hands into my coat pockets. I turned my gaze to him, but he was a bit hazy, as my eyes were wet. “I've never had friends. My father didn't a-allow...he.”

“E.”

I turned my face from him and ran my hand over my eyes, then inhaled deeply through my nose, trying not to lose my shit. I forced myself to look at him. “My father beat me, broke my ribs, left me pissing blood.” I tried to ignore the tremor in my voice, the mix of fear at speaking the abuse aloud and the triumph of doing the same. “Not every day, not all the time, but enough. I wasn't allowed friends. I was lucky I wasn't home schooled, that I even got that much socialization. If I ever saw a guy I liked, I avoided him.”

Softly he said, “That's fucked.”

“I wasn't kidding,” I said, shaking a finger at him. “I didn't see you and just want you. I saw you at the store, and I thought...I thought you had a nice face.” My stomach felt sour, and I swallowed. “You were mostly worried I was going to get your job. Then...we started to hang out. I...you were fun. You were good. I...I felt bad your best friend had stabbed you in the back, and...I just liked you. Not,” I waved a hand at him, “how you look. Or how you looked – angry ballsack.” I was desperate to keep from breaking down any further and threw out the jibe as an attempt at normalcy.

He shook his head. “Stop. This is real. This is happening.”

I nodded my head several times. “Yeah. It's real.” I looked up, not letting the water in my eyes fall and not wanting to look at him. “I spent time with you, and you were good and kind and decent, and then I thought you...you looked…” I closed my eyes, and the tears ran down, sliding down my cheeks and off the ends of my ears. I lowered my head and wiped my eyes before I inhaled again, trying to keep from sniffling and being pathetic. I whispered, “And yes. I fell in love with you.”

“E...”

“You make me cry,” I said, wiping my eyes again. “I don't cry. The last time I cried was because my dad had dislocated my shoulder.” I barked out a short laugh. “He told the school it was from playing football with him in the backyard and that I was fine.”

“Jesus.”

I sniffed and looked at him. “Then you.” My eyes welled again. “Then you, who thinks he has nothing to give, paid attention to something I liked. You give to me even though you don't have a lot.” My lip trembled and I hugged myself. “And it made me cry.”

Quietly he said, “The candy bar.”

“So yes,” I said, straightening up. “I want you to feel safe with me. I see you. I accept you. I have your back.” I took a deep breath. “I love you. And I'm sorry.”

He shook his head. “Don't say that.”

I ran the side of my hand up against the end of my nose, feeling a sudden itch. “Why not? You're mad, right? You brought me out here so no one could hear? Because I'm gay and I like you? Because I'm in love with you?”

“I don't fucking know!” he yelled, turning aimlessly and slapping his hand against his legs. “I don't know what I thought would happen, E! I was running on guesses and feeling like I was stupid and...thinking maybe I was so stupid to think someone saw something in me besides...a disposable fuck. Someone to use.” He squared up with me. “That's on you. I was okay being trash before, but you made me think I wasn't.”

My jaw dropped and my eyes couldn't have gone wider. “Do you expect me to apologize?”

His mouth snapped shut. He took a breath and shook his head. “Of course not. I just...what do we do now? I feel stupid, E. Tell me what to do?”

I let my arms drop to my sides. “Did you not hear me the other night? When you were busy figuring out how much I loved you? I'm a mess.”

He swallowed. “But you love me.”

I put my thumb and forefinger on the bridge of my nose. “Yes.” I lowered my hand, finding it easier to say the words, though I was still in inner turmoil. “I love you, Rigby. Yes, I'm gay. You're straight. Every time one of those fucking hoes tries to get with you, my chest hurts.” I crossed my arms and looked downstream. “There isn't anything to do about it. It just is.”

For a few minutes there was nothing but the sound of rushing water. Idly I thought it was probably good they'd built the fence so high on the bridge, otherwise people would probably find it a good place to jump from, either to swim or try to commit suicide. The thought of going over the side made me shiver involuntarily. I took a step back and then shook my head.

“I can drop you off at home if you want.”

“No.”

I didn't think my heart could sink any further and yet it did. “Okay. Well. I'll see you, I guess.”

“E. Stop.”

I hesitated and looked up at him.

He jutted his chin out. “I want you to feel safe with me. I see you, E. I accept you for who you are. I have your back. I want you to be happy for you.” He pushed his shoulders back. “I love you, too.”

I looked away from him, at the falls, then to the trees and the fence. It wasn't any use, I finally lost the fight against crying – ugly crying. Rigby hugged me, and I grabbed him to keep myself standing, as if I could drown right here on the bridge. I crushed him to me and shook, squeezing my eyes shut. I was getting a terrible headache, and I wasn't sure I was breathing the way I should, like maybe I'd pass out.

“I got you, E. I got you,” he said quietly.

I sniffed hard, snot rattling in my sinuses. My arms were shaking, and I realized he must be very uncomfortable with how tightly I was squeezing him, and I let him go.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry,”

But he didn't let go. “Appreciate you letting me breathe, but I got you. You're shaking.”

Tentatively I put my arms back around him and tried to...I don't know. Be more considerate? I was swimming in quicksand with no idea how to keep myself afloat. Rigby patted my back, and I knew we'd been holding each other too long for a straight guy to feel comfortable. I reluctantly let him go, missing the feeling of him so close to me.

He ran a hand through his hair. “You okay, E?”

I took a breath. “Better. Not great. Better.”

He glanced away and nodded. “I know this is awkward as fuck. I probably could have...I don't know, handled this better.”

I nodded slowly and swiped at my cheeks. “It was so weird, I guess. I...I'm sorry, Rigby. I never wanted to make things awkward.”

He let out a little laugh and then ran his hand over his jaw. “I was...really counting on you knowing what to do.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head. Opening them, I said, “I don't see a lot of choices. We try to work through the awkwardness, improve our friendship. Try to build on what we have already.”

He tilted his head from side to side. “Yeah, but that's like the minimum, right?”

Confused, I spread my hands out and shrugged; my head hurt, and my brain felt too full to manage new thoughts.

He let out an exasperated breath. “You're making me work, E.” He laughed a little. “Okay, hear me out.”

I tilted my head and waited.

“I'm...I'm just thinking out loud.” He licked his lips. “So what if...I'm not gay. But what if...you meet someone that you love, and who loves you. It's not what you expected, but does that mean you, like, ignore that?”

I let out a sigh, feeling tired and like my brain was stretched thin. What I really wanted was to lie down and turn my brain off to let it work though all the crap floating around inside me. “You can't...just decide to be attracted.”

“I'm not saying that.”

I shrugged and held my hands out. “What are you saying, then?”

He held his hands out like knives, his gaze intent on me. “I'm saying a guy goes along and does his thing, doesn't really put any thought into it. When he does find someone that changes the way he sees himself...” He pressed his lips together. “You know those things where the parents decide who's getting married? Then the people show up and get married, and they never met each other before?”

I looked at him skeptically. “An arranged marriage?”

“Right! These people get married, and they say they learn to love each other.”

My headache was distracting me, making me feel like my mind was actually aching from trying to track this conversation. “But Rig...you're straight.”

“But...why can't I try?”

I rubbed my forehead and let out a sigh. “Did you miss the part where I'm a mess?”

“Do I look like I'm not? Even Hav calls me a hot mess, and he's got literal bodies in his yard.”

I let my arms drop. “I don't know,” I said softly. “I want to go home.”

“Okay. Let's go.”

We walked back to the car, my head pulsing with my heartbeat. The toxic sludge of my anxiety, spent anger and fear were sloshing in my stomach. I couldn't even process the lunacy Rigby was bringing up. You don't...learn to be gay over time. It seemed like heartbreak, but one you planned out ahead of time. I wasn't even sure I knew how to be in a relationship, let alone if Rigby did. Sure, he'd taken a few more shots at it, but it didn't seem like those had gone all that well.

I started the car and then sat still for moment.

“You good?”

I shook my head. “Nah. Not really.” I paused. “I'm never saying yes again if you ask me to go to these falls.”

He snorted out a laugh, and I smiled weakly before pulling out of the lot and heading down the hill. I navigated back into town, retracing the route we'd taken, and passed the school. I put my blinker to turn toward his house, waiting at the light.

“E. I'm going to your place,” he said, breaking the silence.

I glanced at him and then back to the road. “It's kind of been a lot this afternoon.”

“Yeah,” he replied quietly. “And I'm ready to crash out. You look like a zombie. I think if I go home...we're both going to spiral. So I'm not going to let things get awkward.”

I snorted.

“I mean...by ourselves. We don't have to talk about this shit anymore – I don't even think I can – but I don't think we should leave each other alone right now.”

The light changed, and I flipped the signal off and accelerated through the intersection. I parked the car outside the store, and we carried our bags inside and left our shoes by the door. My mom waved from the couch and went back to her support call. I went into my room, dropped my bag, and poured myself onto my bed. I heard a thump, probably Rigby's bag hitting the floor, and then he pushed me. I shifted, rolling onto my back. He stretched out beside me, and I just tried to be still, hoping my world would stop spinning.

Rigby shifted, slightly turning away from me, and then rested the back of his head on my shoulder. I grunted, feeling squeezed, and the pressure on my shoulder felt awkward. I wiggled, and he lifted his head and pulled my arm out, stretching it under his neck, then laid his head back on my shoulder. It was more comfortable on my shoulder, and I let out a slow breath. The warmth of his back slowly seeped into my side, and my head finally started to feel a bit clearer.

“Well. I guess...maybe you should make more of our decisions.”

“Right? Told you I'm not stupid. Just need my best...just need you.”

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