Begin Anew: Come down in time

 

            Ok, so Nevada wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t that great, but it wasn’t that bad either. I could walk to the park, and there was a basketball court there. I would like to say I’m pretty good, but I am a bad liar. I CAN shoot from the outside, but that is a planetary alignment thing, so it doesn’t happen often.

            School starts tomorrow and I made a few acquaintances over the past few weeks. Kyle is my best bud, and a little more. I think I could tell him anything, well, almost anything. At least out here the past couldn’t follow me; it was a chance to begin anew.

 

            Kyle is just awesome and for so many reasons. He is the original guy that doesn’t know how good-looking he really is. He really has no concept of the things he does to people, well at least what he does to me.

            We met on the court when I was taking mental pictures, doing the mental masturbation thing, when this fellow tried to play Mr. Potato head with Kyle’s features.  I stepped in and bent down behind him, Kyle kicked him in the nuts, over my stilted form and the dynamic duo was forged. We had been inseparable the rest of the time; partially cause there is safety in numbers, but also because Kyle is strangely…um needy? Insecure! That is a better word. So, I really couldn’t move without bumping into him, not that I was complaining or anything.

            On this particular day I was just daydreaming about this N that, and my shadow walked in.

            “Oh, jeez. Would you look at this? Isn’t this pathetic? Who are you looking at out that window? Who are you pining for? Me, right? I knew it, all along. You want me.” He said and struck a muscle man pose.

            I threw a pillow at him which he caught laughing. Sometimes I wonder how much is play and if he really had a clue?

            “Actually, I was wondering why you walk like that. Riding your bike without a seat again?”

            “Jealous?” He asked with an evil grin.

            “Of what, that scrawny ass?”
            “Huh? Hey, that is a nice ass, and you know it.” He laughed.

            “Maybe to Stacy Reamer, I’m sure she would love to touch it. Why don’t you call her?” I said sarcastically. Stacy was a nice person, but not much to look at. I take that back, she was too much to look at, and she had it bad for Kyle.

            “Oh, gross! Ok, that’s over the line! I’ll have to pummel you for that!” He yelled and proceeded to try to get me at a disadvantage. Sometimes it wasn’t hard to do, especially when I was trying to cop a feel, which was most of the time. But every once in a while I had to kick his ass, just so he knew I could.

            We tussled and fell off the bed and onto the floor, covers dragged off with us and soon we were hopelessly entangled.  So much for kicking his ass.

            “So, had enough? “ He breathed.

            “I never give in.” I retorted.

            “Oh, come on. You can’t win. I ALWAYS win.” He said with that crooked grin. My heart did a flip into my throat; I hate how he could do that. The tension began to rise, so to speak.

            “Ok,” I croaked, “You win, get off me!”

            He crowed his victory and did this goofy little dance that was oddly endearing. Mainly cause he shook a lot and turned around so I could see anything I wanted, and I could stare as hard as I wanted. Of course this wasn’t helping my situation any, so I stayed seated.

            “So, are you gonna sit inside all day, or do you want to go do something?” He asked, once he was done dancing.

            “Um, I don’t know. Maybe shoot some hoops or something.” I said.

            “Cool, let’s go.” He said heading out the door.

            I stayed seated and waited, both for me to relax and for him to realize I was missing.  It only took a few minutes before he walked back into the room with that curious look on his face, kind of like when a dog looks at you with its head sideways.

            “Aren’t you coming?” He asked.

            “Where?” I said innocently.

            “To shoot hoops, what do you mean where?” he said.

            “Oh, “I said, “You thought I would go with YOU?!” I exclaimed.

            “Ok, that’s it. You’re dead.” He said and charged me all over again.

            Ain’t life grand?

 

            You know, when you think about it, love’s got a lot to answer for. I mean, I just can’t sleep with this feeling anymore. After Kyle left I took a shower to cool off and to, well, cool off mostly. But it’s just not fair, why do things have to be so hard? I mean, IF I told him, and he freaked, what would I do then? Well, probably what I did back home, which is spend a lot of time alone. So in that perspective, it’s worth it to keep my mouth shut, but is it fair to cop feels without his knowledge? That is kind of like stealing, right?

            Oh, man what should I do? These kinds of questions are the worst at night when all you really want to do is sleep, to get away from all the confusion and mixed emotions. Kind of like a hormonal cocktail. And now the final week of summer has escaped me, funny how it slips away without you quite knowing it, I would be faced with more social situations with him where I would have to control myself.

            So I lay awake and think about how things COULD be, and wonder if it really could ever be that way. In a sweat I resolved to drop an anonymous note in his locker. At least that way I could express some of these emotions that were roiling through my very being. At least I had a plan. I climbed out of bed and turned on the light at my desk, removing a pen and paper from the drawer.

 

            Kyle,

          I am writing this because I can’t tell you in person. I wish there was some way I could bring myself to tell you all that is in my heart, and this is the only way to do that. I love you.

 

            I placed the note inside an envelope and sealed it, signing his name on the outside. I then felt able to go to bed knowing I had done SOME thing.

           

            Ah, the first day of school. I awoke with the typical revulsion my alarm exhorts from me, and took some pleasure in silencing its shrill message. Best part of the day is over.

            I crawled to the shower and managed to push through the morning routine and finally out the door.

            “I was wondering if you were going to go in today.” Came a familiar voice.

            I turned to see Kyle coming around the side of the house. He usually cut through back yards when he came over and vice versa.

            “Sup home chicken?” I replied with a smile.

            “Oh, man. Don’t tell me you’re going to try and be cool today? Please don’t say that, I don’t think my heart can take it!” He grinned.

            “Oh, don’t worry. I’m not going to try and be cool. I was planning on hanging out with you.” I replied.

            He groaned and we headed off to school.

 

            After locating our lockers and getting class schedules I made my way to my first class, albeit a shortened one due to the main focus of the day being on finding your way around.  History first, and that’s cool. I liked history, one of my better subjects in fact.

            I trudged through my day, saw Kyle a few times, and deposited the note after lunch. It turns out I had him in my last two classes. He sat down heavily next to me and sighed deeply.

            “Bad day at the office?” I asked.

            He looked at me and gave me an indulgent smile, as you would a small child.

            “I have only been back for a day, and it has started.” He smiled.

            “What are you talking about, you got the runs again or something?” I asked.

            “I mean, someone likes me already!” He said excitedly.  “Here, take a look!”

            He withdrew my letter from his book bag and handed it over to me. Suddenly I felt as though that note had been a really bad idea. What if he saw me blush or something? Was I blushing?

            “Hey, why are you blushing? You’re not jealous are you?” He asked wickedly.

            “Um, hehe, me? Jealous of you? Why? Cause Stacy Reamer dropped you a love note?”

            “It’s not Stacy dude,” He said conversationally, “She has no problem letting her feelings show.  This person is really demented.”

            “What makes you say that?” I asked somewhat nervously. Why was I nervous? There was no way he could know.

            “Well, look at the writing, it looks like something from a serial killer or something. And why can’t they tell me?” He reasoned.

            “Maybe they are afraid to tell you, afraid you won’t like them back.” I offered.

            “What are you, Dear Abbey all of a sudden? I could be in trouble here!”
            “What are you talking about? Someone has a crush on you, what is the big deal?”

            “That IS the big deal. It’s me and not you.” HE said, a wicked smile spreading on his face.

            “Oh, you asshole. I thought you were really upset.” I said angrily.

            He just shook his head.

            “See? I told you I had a nice ass.”

            I just couldn’t help but laugh, especially having the inside scoop on the authors secret identity. I looked over at him and was struck once again by the simple grace of him in profile. He turned to see what was so funny and caught me looking instead. He turned his head to look the other way, and then turned to face me.

            “Who were you looking at like that?” He asked.

            “Like what? Nobody, I wasn’t looking at anyone.” I said.

            “Bullshit, you saw something you liked. Didn’t you?” He said, and then his eyes widened. “OH MY GOD.”

            “What?” I asked nervously.

            “It’s you!” He said.

            “Huh?” I squeaked.

            “You know who sent his, don’t you? Tell me! I swear I’ll kick your ass if you don’t!” He said fiercely.

            “Mr. Pritchard, would you mind allowing me to begin?” Asked the Ms. Tidwell, the English instructor.

            “Um, sorry Ms. Tidwell.”

            “Indeed.” She sniffed.

            He glared at me and then gave me a look that kind of melted me. He faced front and then started to write in his notebook. I sat looking blankly ahead. Kyle passed me a note a few minutes later.

            I took in questioningly and read it:

           

            Justin,

          I know you just saw whoever wrote that note and I gotta know! It’s not fair for you to keep this from me, and it isn’t funny. I have my eye on someone and I don’t want to get involved with anyone else…unless this is the person I wanted. Please, I don’t want to make a mistake and encourage the wrong person!

 

                                                                                      Kyle

 

          Has his eye on someone? I suddenly became very uncomfortable. This wasn’t fair! But really it was, wasn’t it? He is entitled to love whomever he chooses, right? And I should be happy that looking at someone else makes him as happy as looking at him makes me.

            Then why did it hurt so badly?