It has been a bit of a break for this series while preparations were being made for it to be read on the Radio in Australia! I certainly hope those of you who were able to hear the broadcast in Sydney enjoyed it! And thanks for EVERYONE out there who made requests for other radio stations to pick it up! There are at least 4 other stations who have requested it so far, I'll let you know what happens! And HUGE THANKS to Chris Conklin, who did an EXCELLENT and EMOTIONAL read of the story! It brought me to tears many times, and that was just the first two episodes! Find out how to purchase your own 8 CD SET of the "My Only Escape" broadcast in the 'Website Plus' section of my website at http://comicality.gayauthors.org and let me know what you think of the story at Comicality@webtv.net!

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"My Only Escape 6b"

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Every breath that I took during that lunch period seemed to make the pain worse. As though it was trying to force tears up into my eyes so I'd look like an even BIGGER fool than I already did in front of my friends. I didn't know whether to force my stare down to the table top where they couldn't see my sadness, or up at the ceiling where my tears couldn't drop from my eyes. My heart got heavier and heavier, and I knew that it was over. I had fucked up worse than I ever had before. This time I had done irrepairable damage to something that I really wanted...that I really CHERISHED as something 'good' in my life. The ONLY thing 'good' in my life. And it was then that my father's insults came flooding back to me in stereo. They always did when I was weak and alone. Clawing and scratching at my self esteem in the most disgusting ways. Stupid...ugly...worthless...piece of shit. Not worth the dirt I walk on. He doesn't love me. I don't WANT him to love me. I don't want ANYBODY to love me! Why would I want that? So I could disappoint them, hurt them, drive them away? What's the use of pretending I'm something I'm not, just to fool someone into caring about me for a little while? They'll find out what a sickening piece of ugly fucking TRASH I really am eventually...and they'll end up hating me. They'll hate me for even making them think for a second that I could be somebody special. They'll hate me for making them waste their time imagining me as someone worthy of any kind of decent treatment at all. Well....why don't I just cut them off at the front door NOW? Before it gets to the point of no return for either one of us. I'm NOT worth your time, Brody. I'm NOT worth your love, your attention, or your effort. I never was. I'm flattered that you might have thought I was for a little while...but you can't live inside of a fucking stupid LIE any more than I can. So if this is the end of our rainbow, then so be it. Better now than later. Because later would hurt even more. And I can't even grasp the concept of a more painful fate than having you hate me like this right now.

"Zack?" Adam asked, and I shook myself out of my self torturous haze to look over at him. "You ok?"

"Yeah. Why?" I asked.

"You look like somebody just stole your favorite bike. You sure you're alright?"

I looked up at Brody, and he briefly glanced back, wondering if maybe he was the cause of my discomfort. But I just looked away, and held my position. "Yeah. I'm fine. Forget about it." And I gulped down the rest of my lunch in silence. Just praying for the time when this period would be over and I could get away from him for a while. I'd be smart next time, and I wouldn't even come to lunch. Not if Brody was going to be here.

After the period ended, we all got up and marched out of the cafeteria in a huge crowd of kids. I didn't look at Brody, and he didn't look back. But it was pointless to think that we didn't know the other was standing rght next to us. There was this awful tension between us, and it was building more and more by the second. I could have sworn that I felt his hand brush lightly up against mine in all the confusion, but there was no more to be said. We had practically separated ourselves to the opposite ends of the world. And I took in one extended glance of his beauty before turning and walking off to class. He was soooo incredible to me. It hurt to hold back my frenzy when it came to something as simple as the green splendor of his warm and inviting eyes. But I did. Even when Brody looked up, drawing his eyes from the floor, and mumbled a subtle "G'bye...." before turning to walk away from me towards his next class. I just closed my eyes and prayed that I was doing this right. I just....I didn't want to be in the way of him being happy with someone else. Someone better. All things aside...I just didn't want him to regret ever knowing me. Most times, the fantasy of what I'd be like, and the reality of it, are two very different things.

The rest of my school day was drenched with thoughts of the times Brody and I spent together. I scrolled through them all, almost as if in tribute. As if I needed to say goodbye to the joy he brought to my life once and for all and let the both of us move on to bigger and better things. I remembered how cute he was, asleep on that desk during that video the first day I laid eyes on him. I remember the way my heart leapt up into my throat the first time I saw him at Adam's house that morning. I thought about him and Sam laughing, and him rubbing the bump on my head, and the fun we had at the movie, and our bikes collapsing on each other near the lake, and counting lightning bolts in the rain while I tried not to stare at his smooth flat chest in that wet shirt...all flashes of light in a very dark closet. I thought about how happy he made me, and wondered if I'd live long enough to feel that sensation ever again. By the last bell...I was nearly in tears. And just wanted to go home. I needed time alone.

Normally, the urgency with which I run to my locker was pushing me to run almost frantically to get out of that place. But not today. I didn't have the fuel to burn. I might be home late, and he might hurt me again, but....whatever. I don't care anymore.

I made it to my locker and opened it up to grab all of my stuff for the night. Homework, workbooks, whatever. Then I closed it back and headed for the door. I crossed paths with Brody on my way out, and he stopped in midstep, this time looking me directly in the eye. His stare was different this time however. Like...he was confused by me. Almost as if something were wrong with me. But I didn't take any time to really decipher it. I gave him a gentle nod, and sadly whispered, "Bye..." as I walked past him. That was it. It was me softly closing the door on everything for the last time, and locking it out of my life once and for all. I'll miss you Brody. You really were something special.

When I got home, I was maybe abut five minutes late. I didn't run that day, didn't take any shortcuts, didn't make any attempt at all to really make my 'scheduled appearance'. I moped all the way home, kicking every stone and soda can that I came across. I was so slow that I had to force myself to walk faster before Sam and Adam caught up to me. I couldn't handle that, not today. I don't think I would be very effective in hiding this from anybody. It was stronger than I thought it would be, and just when I felt the emotion dull down enough to lift my chin a bit, I'd remember the look in Brody's eyes when he leaned forward to kiss me...and it hurt all over again. It sounds strange, but I hated myself for allowing it to feel good. I hated myself for 'believing'. It made me feel like a sucker. I didn't want it to be silly, I wanted it to be real. But I knew better...and there was no guaranteed 'safety' in reality. It's best that it stay in my mind where it belongs. No risk, no mistakes, no pain. Besides, I've got plenty of other things to worry about.

I half expected my dad to jump on me the second I walked through the back door. I entertained the idea of him sparing me for a while because of the sling. But opening that door, I had all but abandoned that idea. And I prepared for whatever he had to dish out that particular afternoon. However...walking in, there were no sudden poundings or harsh words waiting for me. I found it a bit strange, but I heard some voices coming from the living room, so I went to go check it out. My dad was sitting on the couch watching television.....next to some 'lady'.

I didn't speak, I didn't even move. I just stood there and stared at the two of them for a long moment, before the lady looked up and saw me. "Well, hello there." She smiled.

My father turned around and smiled as well. More for her benefit than mine, I'm sure. "Come here, Zack. I want you to meet somebody." He said, but my feet refused to move. This was new...this was inforation that hadn't been adopted into my emotional bank just yet. I looked over at her, and felt this helpless surge of anger rise up inside me. "Come here." He said, a bit more firm this time. Part of me wanted to jump over the coffee table and attack them BOTH! Another part of me wanted to turn and run out of that house as fast as I could. Another part wanted to simply collapse into a heap on the floor and let it all out. But the one part that won, the part that always obeys, took a few slow shakey steps forward. "Zack, this is Lynn. Lynn, this is my son, Zack."

"Hey, he's a little heartbreaker, isn't he?" She said, and reached out a hand. I didn't take it at first. I didn't dare. Not in THIS house. But as my heart got torn further and further in half, I didn't want to make things any worse. Embarassing my father would be a crime, and he'd punish me severely for that. Slowly, I gave her a limp handshake, and looked back at my father, who was being nicer than usual. In fact, he lightly put his hand on my back and I jumped. My whole body tightening up as though it was readying itself from another punch, shove, or kick. But he merely rubbed the small of my back in a 'fatherly' way, and patted me on the shoulder. "What happened to your arm, sweetie?"

"Nothing......I fell." I mumbled, offended by her calling me 'sweetie'. I didn't know this bitch from anybody, and I was sure that she could feel the frost growing on my shoulders as I emotionally backed away from her completely.

"You've got to be more careful. Kids." My father said, quite flawlessly. Only adding insult to injury.

"I've got homework." I said, my voice cracking a bit. Standing in that room, I think I was honestly more scared of HER than I was of him. And I needed a way to get out of that room before I shook myself to pieces in front of them. My father's eyes squinted ever so slightly in my direction as though I were walking on thin ice. Silently telling me to watch my step. So I relied on my manners to slide out of his constricting grip of fear on me. "It was nice to meet you...Lynn." And I turned around to leave. No more was to be said. I went to my room and shut the door as tightly as I could. Leaning my forehead against it as I felt my heart race with a nervous twitch. How could he DO this again? This has to be the third time now. God...how can anyone be so...so heartless. I can understand him hating me, doing all he could to hurt me...but Mom? Mom was better than anyone. Mom was perfection. I just don't understand.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I pressed my forehead into the wood of the door, and sniffled quietly to myself. Then I heard a female laugh from the other side of the door, and I opened my eyes. I backed away from the bedroom door, and turned on my music. Not loud. He'd burst in and smack me good if I turned it up loud. But loud enough to block out any laughter coming out of that room, that's for sure. I just sat there on the floor, right under the speaker, and pulled out my homework. It was all I could do. Having a say in all this was not an option. Might as well make the best of it.

And hour passed, and my homework was a breeze. I heard the front door close earlier, so I figured that the 'lady' had left. Things were beginning to finally balance out again. As long as you push the 'bad stuff' down in the pit of your stomach, it feels like you're rid of it as soon as it's over. And right now...I was free of it. Forgotten before I even had a chance to really be conflicted about it. It felt MUCH better.

I got up to go into the kitchen to grab a drink, and put the milk on the counter. By the time I had heard his footsteps, he was already right behind me. He pushed me up against the fridge, and the whole wall seemed to shake! He only slapped me once in the head, and then pointed hard at my chest with his finger. "The NEXT time I introduce you to somebody, you'd better be on your best manners! You hear me? Huh?" He grabbed a handfull of my hair, and clutched it hard for a moment while I winced in pain. "You HEAR me?"

"Yes..." I said, and he let me go. Thankfully, that was the end of it.

"Wash the dishes." He said, looking down at my sling. "Take that thing off." And he walked out. I didn't bother to argue, not even with myself. I just slid my arm from out of my sling and turned on the sink. It didn't even feel like it was really me doing it. My body was simply going through the motions. And I felt like I couldn't stop myself if I wanted to. My will was that far gone from me.

I let the warm water run over my hands, my face emotionless, and let the suds build up as I started to wash out the glasses one by one and put them in the drying rack. It was such a methodical motion...dunk, wash, dunk, rinse, drying rack. Over and over. It took no thought at all. And I felt numb inside. Completely numb.

That's when...while washing a large cutting knife...my mind felt a gentle spark. As though something inside had raised my antenna. I stared at the knife, the shine of it gleaming with the light from the kitchen. And as the water ran over it to rinse off the blade...I found myself unable to let go of the handle. My focus was locked onto it...and...and for just a QUICK second...I wondered what would happen. It might have flashed through my mind for a split second, or maybe it lasted a few minutes...but the thought was there, clear as day. I could stop this. In my hands...I had the power to put an end to all this. Whether I used it on him, or turned this sharp point on myself...I could make all the pain go away. I could be DONE with it. All I needed was a moment's courage. JUST A MOMENT'S WORTH!!!

The phone rang, and I dropped the knife back into the water. It was turned up extra loud in the kitchen and it startled me. I turned the hot water off and dried my hands. My father picked up the phone before I could reach it though, and I just turned slowly to go back to the dishes. Then I heard him get up. "Zack...telephone." He said.

"For me?" I wiped my damp hands on my shirt and went into the hall to take it from him.

"Make it quick." He told me, and I took the cordless phone into my room.

"Hello?" I said....but nobody answered. "Hello?" I repeated, still nothing. So I started to turn off the receiver, but then I heard a voice on the other end.

"Don't hang up." It was Brody's voice. "Please? Just don't hang up, k?"

I felt this giant surge of energy swirl up inside me, causing my hands to tremble, and as much as I tried to fight it, that same giggly energy rushed into my heart and spread all over my body. "Hold on a sec..." I said, trying not to sound 'excited' or anything. And I closed the bedroom door, running over to the other corner of my room to sit on the floor and have some privacy. "Hey..." I said, sooooo enchanted by the surprise of hearing his voice.

"Zack..can we talk for a minute? About...Saturday?"

"Yeah, sure." I didn't know what else to say to him. I was thankful that he was willing to do most of the talking.

"Zack..." He paused for a while, and it sounded like he was struggling for words. But I couldn't even offer him a word of comfort myself. I didn't dare open my mouth. I couldn't take the chance of interrupting or influencing what he had to say to me in any way. I was frozen, even with Brody's undeniable warmth coming right through the phone. "...I know we haven't talked since then, and I know that you were feeling freaked out the other day...but..." He paused again, taking a deep breath before going on. "....When I saw you at lunch today...I started thinking...I mean...you don't think I'm mad at you or anything, do you?"

It took a moment for me to realize that it was 'my turn' to speak. "Um...no..no not at all." I lied.

"Because I'm really NOT, ok? I don't want you to think...that we can't still talk and stuff. Maybe even...hang out, once in a while?" He said nervously. I could hear the shaking in his voice.

Again, I felt the conflict inside. Does he like me, does he not, am I being stupid again, do I want this, can I live without this, isn't this what I've been dreaming about, can I handle this? A million questions flooded my mind at once, none of them agreeing with one another. With all that going on inside, all I could answer with was..."Sure." And then silence, on both sides of the phone. In that moment, I felt myself slipping again. The mountain I was climbing to get away from possibly being hurt by Brody was beginning to crumble, and my foothold was slipping, as I fell for him all over again. Every warning, every alarm, every bell and whistle in my head went off simultaneously, trying to convince me to keep my heart safe and locked away in a box where he couldn't get to it. But I was lost...it was too late to hide my heart from him now.

"So...are we ok, then?" He asked, a hopeful whimper in his voice.

"We're ok. Promise." I said, and with a shakey voice of my own, I added, "And I'm not mad at you either. I never was. Don't worry, I can forget all about it if you want me to."

Much to my surprise, he came back with, "No...I don't want you to 'forget' it. I just...won't do it anymore. K?" He said sadly, and I wondered exactly what he meant by that. How was I supposed to take it? He was much too serious to be joking. "I'll see you in school tomorrow." He said.

"WAIT!" I yelled. I couldn't let him go....not yet. "M-m-maybe...we can hang out again? On Saturday, I mean." What the hell was I DOING??? I was pushing it again, wasn't I?

"You don't have to prove anything, Zack...."

"I'm not. I just...I wanna see you, ok?" It wasn't me speaking, my heart had possessed me like some sappy demon, and refused to let me stop it from making the biggest mistake of my LIFE! "So...can we?"

Brody's voice was a little brighter, and I could hear that super cute grin in his speech, "Ok. Saturday then. That'd be cool."

"Good. I'll..uh...I'll see you then. K?"

"Ok."

"Goodbye..."

"Bye..."

And I heard him hang up the phone. As soon as I heard the click, my body felt like it was instantly drained of its energy. I leaned back against the wall in the corner...actually, it was more like I FELL back, and an uncontrollable smile spread across my lips as I stared up at the ceiling. That rush came back to me, and it was like being scared and trying to laugh at the same time. The kind of feeling you get on that first drop of a rollercoaster, but it lasts all day long.

I took a few moments to really soak it all in and smile, and then I stood up on my feet to go finish the dishes. Omigod...I can't believe he called me. God, I'm stupid. Falling for this again. But I was also curious to see just how far fetched this fantasy could get. What if? That was the big question. It's nice to think that maybe God is watching, and finally said, 'Here ya go kid. Sorry it took me so long.'

Oh man...I hope I know what I'm doing.

Thanks so much for reading you guys! I've been working on the next "My Only Escape" chapter for a while now, but THIS one I wanted to post today. It's actually my father's birthday, and it seemed 'appropiate' somehow. So to you guys, a huge hug. To HIM, a middle finger. And big thanks to everyone who has supported this story from the beginning! Thank you!

Please let me know what you think at Comicality@webtv.net or stop by the website at http://comicality.gayauthors.org (Don't forget to sign the guestbook!)

ALSO....for those of you who didn't know, "My Only Escape" was read on the RADIO in Australia this summer!!! The broadcast took the first five chapters and divided them into 15 short sections! It has not been edited in the least, and the person reading did an EXCELLENT job of bringing the emotion out of the words in front of him. Stop by the website, and find out how you can PURCHASE the 8 CD SET of the "My Only Escape" broadcast in its entirety!!!! Cool? And THANKS for the support, you guys! I feel famous now! Hehehe!