Chapter 11 - Jake
“Hi,” Kody said.
“Hi,” I responded wittily. He’d
caught me off guard. I hadn’t expected to see him, and here he was with his
hand still on my arm. His touch was surprisingly warm and tingly, as if energy
was flowing from his body into mine. I stared down at his hand, unable to
believe that he was actually touching me.
“You okay?” he asked.
I snapped out of it and grinned.
“Yeah, um, better now.”
“That’s good.” He smiled back at me,
and I forgot we were standing in the middle of a crowd of people. For that
moment, we were alone.
“Definitely,” I agreed.
He shifted nervously. “So, um, Jake
would you like to go get….something to eat….with me?” He was so cute. As if I
could say no to him!
“That
sounds great.”
He looked
surprised that I’d agreed. “Uh, where should we go?”
I shrugged.
“I don’t really know anywhere except The Morning Rush.”
Kody made a
face. “Ew. No, definitely not.”
“We can
just wander until we see something we like,” I suggested.
“Sounds
like a plan.”
We’d
started walking away before I remembered Roy. I turned back to find him
trailing along behind us with a proud smile on his face. Great, just what I
needed for my first date with Kody, a three hundred pound chaperone.
Before I
could decide what to do about Roy, I heard someone calling my name and turned
to see an arm waving above the crowd. I followed the arm down to find Erin
grinning at me, with Carlos at her side. I stifled a sigh and pasted a friendly
smile on my face. Why was this happening now? I just wanted to be alone with
Kody.
Erin and
Carlos were pushing through the mob towards us, and I noticed Toshi following
in their wake. Great! The more the merrier.
“Hey!” Erin
shouted to be heard over the music and crowd as she approached. “I was hoping
we’d run into you. Carlos said you invited him so we decided to come check it
out.”
“I thought
you were working.”
“I was, but
then one of the other RA’s asked if I would switch with him and work tomorrow
morning. I said yes so he took over—” She broke off as she seemed to notice
Kody for the first time. “Hey, Kody! I see you found him all right. I didn’t
know where you’d disappeared to earlier. One minute you were right behind me
and then, poof, you’re gone.”
I felt my
eyes grow wide. Kody and Erin had met already? I looked to Kody, who was
blushing and looking very guilty. I turned my gaze to Erin. She hadn’t missed
my expression and was now trying her best to look innocent. She didn’t fool
anyone.
“Okay, what
happened?” I asked.
“Nothing,”
Kody and Erin chorused.
I gave them
my best skeptical look, but let it slide—for now. I’d be sure to bring it back
up later.
“Isn’t this
band great?” Carlos asked in an attempt to change the subject.
“They
really are,” Toshi agreed. “And they have the same name as you, Jake! How cool!”
Just then,
the band went into a slow number.
“Oh! I want
to slow dance!” Toshi cooed. “Carlos, dance with me!”
Carlos
blinked in surprise.
“Hey, watch
it, buster. Carlos is mine,” Erin teased.
“I promise
to bring him back unmolested,” Toshi replied with a serious face.
Erin
pretended to think about it for a second. “I guess it’s okay then. Go ahead.”
“Hey! Don’t
I get a say in this?” Carlos protested, but he was grinning.
“No!” Toshi
and Erin said together as Toshi began to drag Carlos off towards the area where
everyone was dancing.
Erin
watched them go with a wickedly amused gleam in her eye.
“You’re
enjoying that way too much,” I joked.
She laughed
and turned to eye the rest of us. “Well, I’m not going to just stand here like
a wallflower. Come on, Roy, we’re going to go dance.”
“Uh, me?”
Roy asked, his voice filled with something akin to fear. “I don’t know how to
dance.”
“Don’t
worry. I’ll teach you,” Erin said as she grabbed his arm and started pulling
him away. Erin looked back at me with a meaningful glance, then flicked her
eyes in Kody’s direction. Roy looked back in panic.
Once they
were gone, I turned to Kody, who was looking at me with an anxious expression.
I wasn’t sure if he was nervous that I’d ask him to dance, scared that I
wouldn’t, or a mixture of both. The opportunity was too good to pass up,
however.
“So, can I
have this dance?” I asked as I held my hand out to him. He looked down at it
like it was a snake about to bite him. The panic was clear on his face. Crap! I’d moved too fast. With Kody, I
felt a bit like someone trying to coax a wild animal to eat from their hand. I
had to avoid making any sudden moves or I might spook him. “Never mind—” I
started to say, but he surprised me by interrupting with his soft voice.
“Okay.”
He took my
hand and started towards the dance area, towing me along in shock. I barely had
time to register that he was holding my hand before we reached the edge of the
dancing couples. He turned to look at me, his face clearly saying “What now?”
I gave him
a reassuring smile and stepped closer to him, sliding my arms gently around his
waist. I heard him suck in a breath. I knew how he felt. My heart was hammering
and I could barely remember how to dance. He slowly lifted his arms and placed
them around my neck. His face was flushed and he looked like he might pass out
at any second. We began to move to the music, awkwardly at first, but gradually
finding the rhythm of the music and one another’s bodies.
I couldn’t
tell you if people were watching us or not. All I could think about was the way
it felt to be in Kody’s arms again. It was better than I remembered it. He
wasn’t drunk this time; he knew exactly what he was doing. His eyes were locked
on mine, and what I saw there filled me with a strange jumble of hope and fear—hope
that I might have something real and deep with Kody, but fear that he wouldn’t
accept me if he knew the truth.
Kody leaned
into me and rested his head against my shoulder. I closed my eyes and just
enjoyed having his body touch mine. “I’ve never danced with a guy before,” he said.
“I
have...but never like this,” I said.
The song
ended too soon, and the band jumped into another fast song. I reluctantly
released my hold on Kody and he stepped away. I thought he looked a little
disappointed as well, but maybe I was only seeing what I wanted to see. Now,
more than ever, I just wanted to be alone with Kody. I had to get rid of Erin
and the gang—but how? Then I remembered where we were going when we ran into
them in the first place.
Erin,
Carlos, Toshi and Roy made their way over to us, Erin beaming her approval of
Kody and me.
“See,
didn’t I say you’d make a cute couple?” she said to Kody.
“Okay,
explain this now, please,” I said. “When did you two meet?”
“Well...”
Erin looked to Kody.
Kody
sighed. “I kind of went looking for you earlier today.”
I blinked. “You did?”
“Yeah,
um...I didn’t know what building you were in so I was just asking around. Erin
just happened to come in and overhear me asking and she figured out who I was.”
He shrugged.
“So I
offered to show him your room, and one minute he’s behind me and the next he’s
gone,” Erin added.
“You
probably scared him off,” I said dryly and everyone laughed. “Well, it’s great
that you two are already acquainted and all, and I’m sure we’ll have more to
discuss about that later,” I gave Erin a dirty look, “but Kody and I were just
about to go find somewhere to eat before we ran into you.”
“Hey,
that’s great!” Toshi jumped in. “I’m starving and Carlos was just saying how
hungry he is in between whispering sweet nothings into my ear.”
“Ha! You
wish!” Carlos laughed. “Oh, and Erin, let’s just say he did not return me
unmolested. That boy has wandering hands!” Toshi leered in Carlos’ direction
and we all laughed again.
“There’s a
great place near here,” Erin said. “It’s called Quintessence and it’s on the
south side of the park, across from the Lake House. We can walk there from
here. You guys will love it,” she added to Kody and me.
I wanted to
say that what I would really love is some alone time with Kody, but that idea
had obviously been steamrolled by our well-meaning friends. Just then, Nick
walked up with a tall, dark and handsome guy by his side. The party just kept
getting bigger and bigger.
“Hey, Jake!
Hey, Kody!” he said. “What’s up?”
“We were
just getting ready to go to Quintessence,” Kody said.
“Cool! Mind
if we tag along?”
“The more
the merrier,” Erin said, echoing my sarcastic thought from earlier. “Since
these guys seem to have forgotten their manners, hi, I’m Erin and this is my
boyfriend Carlos. The one with the drool running down his chin is Toshi, and
the strong, silent type in the back is Roy. I take you already know Jake and
Kody.”
“Hi, Erin!
I’m Nick and this is Steve. I live next door to Kody and I met Jake at a party
last weekend. Actually, I met Roy then too.”
“Kody
punched Foster,” Roy added helpfully.
Erin raised
her eyebrows as she took in Kody’s small frame and Kody blushed furiously.
“Wish I could’ve seen that.”
“It was
quite a sight,” Nick said.
“How about
you give us all the gory details at the restaurants?” she suggested.
“How about
we don’t?” Kody put in.
“Oh, come
on, it was pretty impressive,” Nick kidded. “You should be proud.”
“Right. It
was my proudest moment.”
“Can we
argue about this while we walk?” Toshi asked. “My stomach is about to eat
itself, I’m so hungry.”
The group
started to move and Erin naturally took the lead. She was a born leader and
seemed to feel most comfortable when she was in charge. Everyone argued
good-naturedly, joking and trading mock-insults as we walked. I was trying not
to pout, but it was a losing battle. Kody finally makes a move and the moment
gets ruined. The old saying “two’s company but three’s a crowd” was so true—and
if three was a crowd, what does that make eight? My sulking was interrupted by
the sudden appearance of Erin at my side. While I pouted, I had slowly moved to
the back of the group. I was surprised that she’d give up her lead-dog position
to come to the back of the pack.
“So what’s
eating you?” she asked softly.
“Nothing,”
I said unconvincingly.
“Uh huh,
and I’m Mrs. Claus. Ho! Ho! Ho!”
“I think
it’s Mr. Claus that says that.”
“Come on,
Jake. What’s wrong? Are you mad at me for telling Kody you’d make a cute
couple?”
“What? Oh.
No. Well, maybe a little. But not really.”
“Clear as
mud. Then what’s up?”
“I
guess...”
“Spit it
out already!”
“I guess
I’d just like to be alone with Kody,” I admitted.
“Oh. Oh!
And we’re cramping your style. Duh!” She slapped her forehead. “Sometimes I can
be so dense. I’m so sorry Jake!”
“It’s okay.
It’s just...you know, I really don’t know how to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Date
someone normal. I’ve never been in a real relationship. I’ve never done the
whole dating thing. I mean, I’ve been with a lot of guys, but never anyone like
Kody. I’m so afraid I’m going to do something wrong and hurt him or scare him
away.”
“Trust me, sweetie,
I don’t think you could scare him away if you tried. I’ve seen the way his face
lights up when he talks about you or the look in his eye when he stares at
you.”
“Really?” I
asked hopefully.
“Really.”
“He stares
at me?”
“Yep.”
I sighed. “Yeah,
but you don’t know the whole story...”
“Then why
don’t you tell me?”
The funny
thing was I wanted to. I wanted to tell her the whole sordid story. Something
told me she wouldn’t pull away. Maybe she wouldn’t understand—how could she?—but
she’d at least try to. But now was not the time.
“Hey, what
are you two doing back there?” Carlos yelled back suddenly.
“Maybe I’ll
tell you some other time,” I said quietly to Erin, then yelled back to Carlos,
“We’re talking about how fine your ass is!”
A series of
cat-calls from the assorted gay guys present took the attention off me and Erin
as we rejoined the group. I caught Kody giving me a thoughtful look, and I’m
sure he suspected we’d been talking about him. I gave him what I thought to be
a reassuring smile and was rewarded with another adorable blush.
We arrived
at the restaurant and managed to get seated together. As I sat down next to
Kody, he leaned in close to me and whispered, “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,
why?” I asked innocently.
“You just
looked like you were upset back there.”
“Everything’s
great. I’m here with you, aren’t I?” He blushed again and I couldn’t help
giggling. It was almost becoming a game—make Kody blush.
We ordered
our food and sat around shooting the bull while we waited. I watched Kody as he
relaxed and opened up, and I realized that maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing to
have everyone else along after all. He definitely seemed more comfortable with
Nick there. I felt a twinge of envy, but that was just silly. Nick was with
that guy Steve. He and Kody were just friends. No matter how many times I told
myself that, though, the jealousy was still there.
Man, I had
it bad. I hadn’t felt like this about a guy since I was fourteen. It made me
feel like a dumb kid again—which was weird, but not entirely a bad thing. That
was the last time I’d felt even close to innocent. My whole life had been
ripped to shreds about that time, and I was still trying to piece it together
four years later.
“Jake?”
Kody asked.
I blinked
and realized he’d been talking to me while I was lost in my thoughts. “Sorry,”
I said with a rather shaky smile. “I guess I zoned out there for a minute.”
“Are you
sure you’re okay?” His voice was filled with so much concern I almost fell
apart right there.
“Yeah, I’m
fine.” I didn’t even convince myself. I could see my strained face reflected in
his worry-filled eyes.
“Jake...”
he started.
“I’ll be
right back,” I said suddenly as I stood up. I had to cut him off before he said
another word. If I hadn’t, I would have started crying. What the fuck was happening to me?
I rushed to
bathroom and tried to pull myself together. I was splashing water on my face
when Roy came through the door. “Jake?” he asked.
“Hey, Roy,”
I mumbled through the rough paper toweling I was using to dry my face.
“Are you
sick?”
“No, I’m
okay.” I was getting very tired of saying that, especially when I so obviously
wasn’t okay.
“Then why’d
you run out like that?”
“I just
needed to get away for a minute.”
“Did Kody
say something to make you upset?”
“No! I
just...I started thinking about something that happened a long time ago and
it...I guess it still upsets me. I’m ready to go back out now. Let’s go.”
We walked
back to the table, where everyone was carefully trying to pretend like nothing
had happened. Only Kody was acting any differently. He had pulled back into
himself and was sitting quietly with a haunted look on his face.
I slid back
into my seat and turned to him. “I’m sorry.”
“Was it
something I said?” he asked.
“No! I
promise. It’s just...I’ll explain later, okay?”
He nodded,
but his cheery mood from earlier was gone now. I felt like an ass for ruining
the night for him. He remained quiet while we ate. I tried to draw him into the
conversation again, but he had withdrawn completely.
I was
feeling like a complete and total heel when Erin slipped around to my side of
table and leaned down to whisper in my ear, “I’ll fix it. Just follow my lead.”
“Huh?”
“Hey guys,”
she said brightly. “Have you guys ever been down to the Corning Preserve after
dark?”
“Yeah,”
Carlos said, receiving a dirty look from his girlfriend for his effort.
“I don’t
even know what it is,” I replied, hoping I was following her lead. I wasn’t
quite sure what that meant.
“It’s this
cool park in the middle of the city, right on the river.”
“That would
be the Hudson River?” I asked.
“Right.
Want to go?”
Maybe this
was the part where I was supposed to play along. Did that involve saying yes or
no? Was she trying to get all of us to this preserve place or was I supposed to
say no and they’d go, leaving Kody and I alone. I liked the idea of that last
scenario the best and since we’d been talking earlier about how I wanted to be
alone with Kody, I decided to try that one.
“Not
really...” I started, but a sharp glance from Erin quickly let me know I’d
chosen the wrong door. “...er...I mean, sure.”
“Great!
There’s a bus that stops there. We can go as soon as we settle the bill.”
“I think
Steve and I are gonna duck out if you don’t mind,” Nick said, staring deep into
Steve’s eyes. I had a feeling I knew where they would end up before the night
was over. I waited for Erin to argue with him, but she just smiled and nodded.
I guess they weren’t essential for her plan.
“I think
I’m gonna skip out too,” Kody said softly, and I spun around with dismay.
“Come on,
Kody,” Erin said. “It’ll be fun.”
“No
thanks,” he said.
“Please?” I
whispered. His eyes met mine and he stared into them, as if trying to read my
intentions. I gave him my best puppy dog look and I could see him giving in.
“Okay,” he
said with a sigh.
I gave him
a big smile. I didn’t know what Erin’s plan was, but as long as Kody was along
for the ride, it couldn’t be all that bad.
After we
settled the bill, we said goodbye to Nick and Steve, and then caught the bus
towards the Corning Preserve. Kody was quiet the whole way there. When we
arrived, I looked around with a little disappointment. It wasn’t what I had
expected at all. When I hear the word “preserve”, I think of some wooded area
teeming with wildlife. The Corning Preserve was a narrow strip of trees,
bordered by the river on one side, and the highway on the other. Don’t get me
wrong. It’s a pretty little park, just not what I’d pictured.
“So why are
we here again?” Toshi asked as we walked down the footpath towards the river.
“I just
thought it would be nice,” Erin said defensively.
“It is
nice,” Carlos placated, as he slid his arm around her waist. “You know what
would be even nicer? If we walked down to see the Slater.”
“Who’s
that?” I asked.
“Not who,
it’s a what,” Erin said, rolling her eyes.
“She’s a
decommissioned World War II Navy destroyer,” Carlos enthused. “The city keeps
her moored near here. They offer tours and stuff.”
“She? Her?
Why do boats and cars always have to be women?” she said in mock-testiness.
“Besides, not everyone wants to see some big boat. Right, Jake?”
“Huh? Uh,
right.” I was being honest. I couldn’t care less about a boat right then. I
couldn’t take my eyes off Kody. He looked so beautiful in the moonlight,
standing at the railing overlooking the Hudson River. From the looks of things,
he wasn’t paying any attention to the conversation.
“But if you
want to see it, we’ll walk down there,” Erin continued. “Come on, Roy and
Toshi. You can walk with us.”
“I’ll stay
here,” Toshi said.
“No, walk
with us,” Erin insisted.
“I don’t
really want...”Toshi started.
“Yes. You.
Do,” Erin informed him firmly, as Roy caught Toshi’s arm and started tugging
him along in the direction Carlos was heading.
I turned to
find Kody still leaning against the rail. I wondered if he even knew the others
had left. He seemed to be in his own little world. I walked up and stood next
to him.
“Hey, you
okay?” I said softly.
He looked
up and gave me a little smile. “Yeah. I’m okay.”
“You’ve
been really quiet since the restaurant.”
He shrugged
and looked back out over the water. “I’m sorry if I said or did something
wrong.”
“Huh?”
“In the
restaurant, I’m sorry if I said or did something to upset you.”
“You
didn’t, Kody. Honest!”
“Then what
happened? One minute we’re talking and everything is fine, then you get this
funny look on your face, and the next thing I know you’re running from the
room.”
“It’s...complicated.”
I wasn’t ready to go into details, but his disappointed expression made me
realize I had to tell him something. “Okay.” I took a deep breath. “Kody,
there’s a lot you don’t know about me.”
He rolled
his eyes. “Duh. There’s a lot you don’t know about me too.”
“No, I mean
there’s a lot you don’t know about
me. I have a pretty...unpleasant past. I guess you could say I come with a lot
of baggage. When we were sitting in the restaurant, I was actually thinking
about how much I like you.”
His eyes grew
round. “Really?”
“Yeah,” I
said as I began to blush.
He grinned
ear to ear. “I guess it’s safe to tell you that I like you too.” Suddenly, he
frowned. “But that doesn’t explain why you ran away like that.”
“Well,
that’s where my past comes in.” It was my turn to face the river to avoid eye
contact. “I haven’t felt like this about someone for a long time—since I was a
kid. Some really bad things happened to me then and as one of my counselors put
it, I disassociated my emotions so I wouldn’t get hurt like that again. I
haven’t really let myself feel things for a long time so this is all very new
to me. Feeling this way about you made me remember the last time I felt like
this, which made me think about the bad things that happened around the same time.”
“What...what
bad things?” Kody asked tentatively.
I tried to
suppress a shudder but failed. “I’d rather not talk it,” I whispered. “Not
yet.”
Kody
nodded.
I cleared
my throat. “I do want to get to know you better, though,” I told him as I faced
him once more. “I really do like you.”
He smiled.
“What do you want to know? I’m pretty much an open book.”
I was
relieved that he was so willing to let the subject drop and move on.
“Everything!” I said with a grin. “Start at the beginning.”
He giggled.
“Well, I grew up at a truck stop.” I laughed. “No, I really did,” he insisted. “My
grandfather raised me after my dad died when I was little. I never even knew my
mom. My grandpa ran this little motel and diner on the highway. I lived there
until I was about fourteen, and then one day, this guy broke down in our
parking lot. His name was Dave and he was a really nice guy. I didn’t have a
lot of friends, living in the middle of nowhere, so I kind of latched onto him.
I followed him around and probably pretty much made a nuisance of myself, but
he was too nice to say so. I figured out that he was gay when he told me he was
moving to Baysville, which is a really gay-friendly town, and I told my
grandpa. My grandpa already knew I was gay, and that it was going to be really
hard for me in the tiny little town where we lived. Dave and my grandpa spent a
lot of time talking while he was there, and when he left, I went with him. My
grandpa wanted me to have a better life. I have an adopted little brother who
is gay too. So we’re just one big gay family. There. I don’t think I left
anything out.”
I stared at
him open-mouthed. Kody watched me, nervously awaiting my reaction. His story
was almost as incredible as mine. “Wow,” was all I could manage.
“My dad, my
adopted dad, went to college here, so he really wanted me to come here too,” he
went on when I didn’t say anything else. “It’s really far from home and I miss
Dad and Charlie, but I guess it’s good for me.”
He was
started to babble so I thought I’d better say something before he started
telling me what kind of underwear he wore. “Charlie!” I said latching on to the
name.
Kody
blinked at me. “What about him?”
“When I
called you one time, you yelled at me and called me Charlie. I wondered who
Charlie was. So he’s your little brother?”
Kody flushed
a fetching shade of scarlet. “Yeah, um, he’s my brother. I’m, uh, really sorry
about that. Charlie had been teasing me...” He trailed off with a sudden look
of horror.
“Teasing
you about what?” I couldn’t resist asking, although I thought I had an idea
from his expression.
“N-nothing,”
he stuttered.
“Come on,
tell me,” I teased.
“He was,
uh, teasing me about you,” he said and his face blazed even brighter, if
possible.
I grinned.
“Oh really?”
He stuck
out his tongue at me. “Yes, really. And don’t try to pretend that you weren’t
talking about me. Erin knew who I was before I even told her my name.”
It was my
turn to blush. “Yeah, well...”
Kody
grinned at me and I looked into his eyes. I saw something there that brought me
to a decision. I wasn’t ready to tell him all the details, but I wanted him to
know what he was getting into. Without thinking, I reached out and took his
hand. “Let go for a walk,” I said softly. He fell into step beside me as we
began to walk along the river. He kept looking down at our hands as if trying
to reassure himself that it was really happening. I knew how he felt. I took a
deep breath.
“When I was
fourteen, a gay guy came to my school. He was a couple years older than me, so
I didn’t really have any interaction with him, but I watched him from a
distance. He seemed so proud of who he was, even though he pretty much had no
friends. I wanted to be that open but I’d never even seen an openly gay person
before, so I guess you could say I didn’t have any role models. I was from a
really strict religious family and coming out had never even occurred to me.”
The story was coming out as if I was talking about someone else. I’d only
talked about this with my therapists, so it felt strange to be telling it to
Kody.
“I was just
working up enough nerve to talk to the gay guy when he was murdered. This other
guy in our school was stabbed at the same time. It was a really big deal at our
school. It was all anyone talked about for weeks. Then the guy who was stabbed
started dating my sister, or that’s what I thought at the time. I had a huge
crush on this guy, his name was Killian. He was so hot. I guess I was kind of
flirty—well, okay, I was a huge flirt. It turned out that Killian was gay too,
and just dating my sister as a cover. We started getting closer and I really
liked him a lot. Just when I was really getting my hopes up about me and Killian,
he decided that he liked another guy more. So I kind of got my heart broken.
That happens to everybody and wouldn’t have been a big deal—Killian and I are
even friends now—except for what happened next. Someone else was killed at a
Halloween party at our house. The police investigated and nothing seemed to
happen. Then about a month later, all hell broke loose.”
I paused in
my narrative while I tried to figure out how to tell the next part. Kody
misunderstood my hesitation and spoke up. “Jake, you don’t have to tell me this
if you don’t want,” he said, concern filling his voice.
I shook my head.
“No. I want to tell you. It was my brother.”
Kody looked
at with a mix of confusion and horror. “Your brother was killed?”
“No.
Well...I mean my older brother was the murderer.” I was surprised at how calm I
sounded, almost clinical. “I found out when he tried to kill me. He killed my
whole family.”
“Oh my
God...”
“I would be
dead except for Killian. He shot my brother and saved my life.”
“Oh...Jake...I...”
I was on a
roll now though and couldn’t stop, the story just kept rolling from my tongue.
“My whole family was gone in one night. Then I find out that the woman I always
thought was my aunt is my real mom. She took me in and moved me across the
country.”
“I can’t
imagine what that must have been like.”
“It gets
worse. I started using.”
“Using?”
“Drugs,
alcohol...sex... You name it, I used it.”
“I...wow...”
Kody abruptly stopped walking and his hand went limp in mine. I turned to face
him and saw the stunned look on his face.
It suddenly
struck me how this all must sound to him. He was so innocent, so pure. What
must be going through his mind right now? It didn’t take my psychic mother to
figure it out. “I know,” I said, my voice tight with bitterness. “You’re
probably disgusted. I don’t do any of that anymore, but...I’ve seen and done
some horrible things. I don’t even know why I thought this would work. I’m
sorry...” I dropped his hand, turned, and started walking away. I’d only taken
a few steps when I felt his hand slide around my wrist. I stopped and turned back
around, but refused to look him in the eye. I didn’t want to see emptiness and
pain where moments before there’d been such warmth and (Dare I even think it?) love.
“Look at
me,” he commanded in a gentle voice. I slowly lifted my gaze to meet his. There
was pain in his eyes, but not like what I had expected. This was empathy for my
pain, and it was softened by compassion. “I’m not disgusted. I’m...shocked. I...I
don’t know what I would have done if I was in your place. I don’t even know if
I could have survived it. What happened to you was horrible. But...I’m glad you
told me. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to talk about it. It means
a lot that you’d trust me that much. I... I like you, Jake. A lot. I want to
try and make this work...whatever this
is.”
His fingers
slipped from my wrist to intertwine with mine. The sincerity in his eyes told
me that he meant every word. A sense of relief washed over me that made me want
to whoop with joy, but I somehow restrained myself. I couldn’t restrain the
grin that spread across my face.
“You really
mean that?” I asked, hardly daring to believe what I was hearing.
“Yep,” he
said with a smile of his own.
“I really
want this to work too.” I wanted to kiss him so bad, but my instincts told me
it was too soon. I settled for a quick hug instead. “We should probably get
back to the others,” I said, even though what I really wanted was more time
alone with this incredible guy. I fell a little more for him with every passing
second.
We walked
back towards the bus stop in a comfortable silence, still hand-in-hand. The
others were waiting for us when we got back. Erin took in our hand-holding and
gave me a wink. Judging by her smug expression, she was quite pleased with the
success of her plan. I was sure I’d hear all about it as soon as we were alone.
The
camaraderie from earlier was back in full-force on the bus ride back to campus.
Once there, I insisted on walking Kody back to his apartment. We all said
goodnight and went our separate ways. Kody and I walked as slowly as possible
in order to drag out our time together. At his door, I once again found myself
fighting to keep from giving him a good-night kiss. A slight hesitation on
Kody’s part is all that kept me from going for it. It would wait, and it would
be all the sweeter for the wait. Somehow, I was sure he was worth it.